I feel this is a mom and a family dealing with RAD issues.
Jessica Beagley needs support with RAD child
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Parenting issues - PTSD
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
in Parents of
Reactive Attachment Disordered Children
by Jody Swarbrick
Many foster and adoptive families of Reactive Attachment Disordered children live in a home that has become a battleground. In the beginning, the daily struggles can be expected, after all, we knew that problems would occur. Initially, stress can be so subtle that we lose sight of a war which others do not realize is occurring. We honestly believe that we can work through the problems. Outbursts, rages, and strife become a way of life. An emotionally unhealthy way of life. We set aside our own needs and focus on the needs of our children. But what does it cost us?
The majority of the population does not understand the dynamics of parenting a RAD child. Family and friends may think that you -- the parent are the one with the problem. Families are frequently turned in on false abuse allegations. Support is non-existent, because outsiders can't even begin to imagine that children can be so destructive.
It is a known fact, that kids diagnosed with RAD tend to target their Moms, play it cool around their Dads, and charm strangers. Where does that leave a parent? Without strong support and understanding, the parent will become isolated, demoralized, hurt, confused, and often held accountable for the actions of their child.
Families are simply not prepared for the profound anger that lives in the heart and soul of our RAD children. It's heartbreaking, frustrating, mindboggling, and extremely stressful. In essence, we're fighting to teach our children how to love and trust. Intimacy frightens our children; they have lost the ability to love, to trust, and to feel remorse for hurtful actions. They see us as the enemy. Small expectations on our part can set our children off in ways that are not only indescribable, but also often unbelievable.
Your home becomes a war zone and you feel totally inadequate. You begin to question your parenting abilities, and your own sanity. You know that your child has been hurt beyond words, you ache for them. Despite your loving intentions and actions, it's thrown in your face. Your heart's desire is to provide your child with untold opportunities, a future, and all the love in the world. You want to soothe your child. You want your child to have a fulfilling childhood and to grow up to be a responsible adult. Yet, you are met with hatred and fierce anger.
In war, the battle lines are drawn; an antagonism exists between two enemies. In our homes, we are not drawing battle lines; we are not prepared for war. We are prepared for parenting. Consequently, the ongoing stress can result in disastrous affects on our well-being literally causing our emotional and physical health to deteriorate.
The primary symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder include:
Avoidance -- refusing to recognize the thoughts and feelings associated with the trauma, this further includes avoiding activities, individuals, and places associated with the trauma.
Intense distress -- when certain cues or "triggers" set off memories of the traumatic event. You may have trouble concentrating, along with feelings of irritability, and frustration over trivial events that never bothered you in the past.
Nightmares and flashbacks -- insomnia or oversleeping may occur. You may exhibit symptoms such as heightened alertness and startle easily.
A loss of interest in your life -- detaching yourself from loved ones. Losing all hope for the future and a lack of loving feelings.
Secondary symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can include:
The realization that you are no longer the person you once were. Relationships have changed by alienating yourself from loved ones. Loneliness and a feeling of helplessness prevail in your daily life.
Depression, which can lead to a negative self-image, lowered self-esteem, along with feeling out of control of your life and environment. You may become a workaholic and physical problems may develop.
You become overly cautious and insecure. Angry outbursts may occur putting stress on significant relationships.
If you are parenting a child diagnosed with Reactive Attachment disorder, you will not escape adverse effects. It is essential to recognize that your feelings are typical under stressful conditions. It is just as essential to accept the fact that extensive stress is unhealthy. By recognizing the symptoms and seeking support, you will strengthen your abilities to cope. Counseling is readily available to families and individuals. Take advantage of resources that will help you put the traumatic experiences into perspective, enabling you to let go of past feelings by replacing them with positive skills for recovery.
in Parents of
Reactive Attachment Disordered Children
by Jody Swarbrick
Many foster and adoptive families of Reactive Attachment Disordered children live in a home that has become a battleground. In the beginning, the daily struggles can be expected, after all, we knew that problems would occur. Initially, stress can be so subtle that we lose sight of a war which others do not realize is occurring. We honestly believe that we can work through the problems. Outbursts, rages, and strife become a way of life. An emotionally unhealthy way of life. We set aside our own needs and focus on the needs of our children. But what does it cost us?
The majority of the population does not understand the dynamics of parenting a RAD child. Family and friends may think that you -- the parent are the one with the problem. Families are frequently turned in on false abuse allegations. Support is non-existent, because outsiders can't even begin to imagine that children can be so destructive.
It is a known fact, that kids diagnosed with RAD tend to target their Moms, play it cool around their Dads, and charm strangers. Where does that leave a parent? Without strong support and understanding, the parent will become isolated, demoralized, hurt, confused, and often held accountable for the actions of their child.
Families are simply not prepared for the profound anger that lives in the heart and soul of our RAD children. It's heartbreaking, frustrating, mindboggling, and extremely stressful. In essence, we're fighting to teach our children how to love and trust. Intimacy frightens our children; they have lost the ability to love, to trust, and to feel remorse for hurtful actions. They see us as the enemy. Small expectations on our part can set our children off in ways that are not only indescribable, but also often unbelievable.
Your home becomes a war zone and you feel totally inadequate. You begin to question your parenting abilities, and your own sanity. You know that your child has been hurt beyond words, you ache for them. Despite your loving intentions and actions, it's thrown in your face. Your heart's desire is to provide your child with untold opportunities, a future, and all the love in the world. You want to soothe your child. You want your child to have a fulfilling childhood and to grow up to be a responsible adult. Yet, you are met with hatred and fierce anger.
In war, the battle lines are drawn; an antagonism exists between two enemies. In our homes, we are not drawing battle lines; we are not prepared for war. We are prepared for parenting. Consequently, the ongoing stress can result in disastrous affects on our well-being literally causing our emotional and physical health to deteriorate.
The primary symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder include:
Avoidance -- refusing to recognize the thoughts and feelings associated with the trauma, this further includes avoiding activities, individuals, and places associated with the trauma.
Intense distress -- when certain cues or "triggers" set off memories of the traumatic event. You may have trouble concentrating, along with feelings of irritability, and frustration over trivial events that never bothered you in the past.
Nightmares and flashbacks -- insomnia or oversleeping may occur. You may exhibit symptoms such as heightened alertness and startle easily.
A loss of interest in your life -- detaching yourself from loved ones. Losing all hope for the future and a lack of loving feelings.
Secondary symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can include:
The realization that you are no longer the person you once were. Relationships have changed by alienating yourself from loved ones. Loneliness and a feeling of helplessness prevail in your daily life.
Depression, which can lead to a negative self-image, lowered self-esteem, along with feeling out of control of your life and environment. You may become a workaholic and physical problems may develop.
You become overly cautious and insecure. Angry outbursts may occur putting stress on significant relationships.
If you are parenting a child diagnosed with Reactive Attachment disorder, you will not escape adverse effects. It is essential to recognize that your feelings are typical under stressful conditions. It is just as essential to accept the fact that extensive stress is unhealthy. By recognizing the symptoms and seeking support, you will strengthen your abilities to cope. Counseling is readily available to families and individuals. Take advantage of resources that will help you put the traumatic experiences into perspective, enabling you to let go of past feelings by replacing them with positive skills for recovery.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Chocolate Oatmeal Bars
1 cup butter
½ cup packed brown sugar
1 tsp vanilla
3 cups quick cooking oats
1 cup semisweet chocolate chips
½ cup peanut butter
Melt butter in saucepan over medium heat. Stir in brown sugar and vanilla. Mix in oats. Cooker over low heat 2 – 3 minutes. Press half of mix into the bottom of greased 9x9 pan. Reserve other half for topping.
Melt chocolate chips and PB in a small saucepan over low heat. Stirring frequently until smooth. Poor the chocolate mix over the crust in the pan and spread evenly.
Crumble remaining oat mix over the chocolate layer. Refrigerate for 2 – 3 hours or overnight.
Blueberry French Toast
· 12 slices white bread, crusts removed
· 2 packages (16 ounces total) cream cheese
· 1 cup fresh or frozen blueberries, thawed
· 12 eggs
· 2 cups milk
· 1/3 cup maple syrup or other syrup
Sauce:
· 1/2 cup sugar
· 1 tablespoon cornstarch
· 1/2 cup water
· 2 cups fresh or frozen blueberries
· 1 tablespoon butter
Preparation:
Cut bread into 1-in cubes; place half in a greased 13- x 9-i x 2-inch baking dish.
Cut cream cheese into 1-inch cubes; place over bread. Top with blueberries and remaining bread.
In a large bowl, beat eggs. Whisk in milk and syrup, blending well. Pour egg mixture over bread mixture. Cover and chill 8 hours or overnight. Remove from refrigerator 30 minutes before baking. Cover with foil and bake at 350° for 30 minutes. Uncover; bake 25-30 minutes more or until golden brown and the center is set.
In a saucepan, combine sugar and cornstarch; add water. Bring to a boil over medium heat; boil for 3 minutes, stirring constantly. Stir in blueberries; reduce heat. Simmer for 8-10 minutes or until berries have burst. Stir in butter until melted. Serve sauce with French toast.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Ten Ways to Support To A RAD Mom
by Anna Glendenning
Reactive Attachment Disorder, RAD is one of those things other people don't really notice. The reactive part is usually seen and felt the most by the primary caregiver--or the mom in most cases. What a RAD Mom needs the most is support from others in ways you may have never thought of.
1. A RAD Mom needs help teaching her child with Reactive Attachment Disorder that mom's are in charge of taking good care of their children. And that their mom is a good mom who takes care of her children.
2. A RAD Mom needs friends who don't hug her RAD Child. The best way to help a family dealing with a child who has reactive attachment disorder is to help the child learn to get his or her hugs for mom and dad. The same is true for other intimate things the child might want to do, like sit on laps or give you a neck rub.
3. A RAD Mom needs friends who can support how we respond to our child. No matter what the situation looks like the parents need to be considered the ones in charge especially when it comes to discipline.
4. A RAD Mom needs people who have suggestions, ideas or criticism to talk to us privately when our child is not around. Triangulation is a natural behavior for children with Reactive Attachment Disorder and questioning the parents in front of the child empowers the child.
5. A RAD Mom needs friends who don't fall into the trap of hearing the child say, "I wish you were my mom, you are much better then the one I got." Children with Reactive Attachment Disorder often shop for new, improved and better parents.
6. A RAD Mom needs an occasional hour to take a shower or paint her toe nails. A great way to be supportive to someone who is parenting a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder is to offer her a break once in awhile. Even if it's just to come over and supervise the child while mom gets a break.
7. A RAD Mom needs time alone with a RAD Dad. Often one of the most important things parents of children with emotional or mental health disorders are told they need is respite. Families who adopt children from the foster care system often receive adoption subsidy funds for respite care. RAD parents need a regular break, but they also need a respite provider who can deal with the issues of a special needs child.
8. A RAD Mom needs friends who can remind her about why and how it came about that she is the mother of a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder. We need to be reminded that our child came to us this way and that the best we can do is love the child and provide them with the best we can.
9. A RAD Mom needs to be reminded that many children with Reactive Attachment Disorder heal and become healthy adults. We need to remember what the goals are with our children and like other parents we need to hope for the best.
10. Most of all a RAD Mom needs friends. Parenting a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder can be isolating and defeating. RAD mom's often withdraw and feel alone. The number one thing we need is a friend willing to listen and maybe have coffee now and then.
Reactive Attachment Disorder, RAD is one of those things other people don't really notice. The reactive part is usually seen and felt the most by the primary caregiver--or the mom in most cases. What a RAD Mom needs the most is support from others in ways you may have never thought of.
1. A RAD Mom needs help teaching her child with Reactive Attachment Disorder that mom's are in charge of taking good care of their children. And that their mom is a good mom who takes care of her children.
2. A RAD Mom needs friends who don't hug her RAD Child. The best way to help a family dealing with a child who has reactive attachment disorder is to help the child learn to get his or her hugs for mom and dad. The same is true for other intimate things the child might want to do, like sit on laps or give you a neck rub.
3. A RAD Mom needs friends who can support how we respond to our child. No matter what the situation looks like the parents need to be considered the ones in charge especially when it comes to discipline.
4. A RAD Mom needs people who have suggestions, ideas or criticism to talk to us privately when our child is not around. Triangulation is a natural behavior for children with Reactive Attachment Disorder and questioning the parents in front of the child empowers the child.
5. A RAD Mom needs friends who don't fall into the trap of hearing the child say, "I wish you were my mom, you are much better then the one I got." Children with Reactive Attachment Disorder often shop for new, improved and better parents.
6. A RAD Mom needs an occasional hour to take a shower or paint her toe nails. A great way to be supportive to someone who is parenting a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder is to offer her a break once in awhile. Even if it's just to come over and supervise the child while mom gets a break.
7. A RAD Mom needs time alone with a RAD Dad. Often one of the most important things parents of children with emotional or mental health disorders are told they need is respite. Families who adopt children from the foster care system often receive adoption subsidy funds for respite care. RAD parents need a regular break, but they also need a respite provider who can deal with the issues of a special needs child.
8. A RAD Mom needs friends who can remind her about why and how it came about that she is the mother of a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder. We need to be reminded that our child came to us this way and that the best we can do is love the child and provide them with the best we can.
9. A RAD Mom needs to be reminded that many children with Reactive Attachment Disorder heal and become healthy adults. We need to remember what the goals are with our children and like other parents we need to hope for the best.
10. Most of all a RAD Mom needs friends. Parenting a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder can be isolating and defeating. RAD mom's often withdraw and feel alone. The number one thing we need is a friend willing to listen and maybe have coffee now and then.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Child's View
"...Our children had their early years surrounded by trauma, neglect, and or abuse. To them the world is a dangerous place. Love is not to be trusted because people who love you hurt you. Love is not safe. Repeated trauma not only made this reality if it the very basis of their view of the world. It is hardwired into their brains just as deeply as is my own view of the world as a safe and loving place..."
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Bean Salad
I thought I better lighten the mood of the BLOG by adding a summer recipe that sounded pretty darn good......... It is RAD Rearing and RECIPES after all! :)
Dark red kidney beans – 2 cans
Yellow whole kernel corn – 1 can
Fresh garlic (crashed) – 1-3 cloves
Fresh dill or fresh parsley (chopped)
Croutons or wheat bread stuffing – 3 cups
Mayo and kefir or buttermilk for a dressing
Drain beans and corn, combine in a large bowl. Add chopped fresh dills and crushed garlic. Mix well.
Add croutons, salt and pepper and mix again. Last, add prepared dressing
(2 parts of Mayo and 1 part of plain kefir or buttermilk; mix well).
Mix well and put in a refrigerator for 1 hour. ENJOY!
Dark red kidney beans – 2 cans
Yellow whole kernel corn – 1 can
Fresh garlic (crashed) – 1-3 cloves
Fresh dill or fresh parsley (chopped)
Croutons or wheat bread stuffing – 3 cups
Mayo and kefir or buttermilk for a dressing
Drain beans and corn, combine in a large bowl. Add chopped fresh dills and crushed garlic. Mix well.
Add croutons, salt and pepper and mix again. Last, add prepared dressing
(2 parts of Mayo and 1 part of plain kefir or buttermilk; mix well).
Mix well and put in a refrigerator for 1 hour. ENJOY!
A Letter to Parents, From Parents
I got this link from another parent of a RADling. Everyword said rang true in our house.
http://youtu.be/9JuIbWu6-Tg
http://youtu.be/9JuIbWu6-Tg
parenting techniques
Recently I felt I had come under scrutiny for the way I as parenting the twins. This does carry over a bit to the healthy kids but its hard to balance RAD and "normal" kids in a family. I was told a few times in a week that I was being overly mean and cruel in my parenting style. And I got the proverbial "oooohhhh, he's SOOOOO SWEEEEEET, how can you say/do that to him?". Yes, the every so present "he's so sweet". Yes, its true. To the person who sees a RADling for a few hours, days, or not on a regular basis the RADling is sweet. Oh, so sweet. But that is a facade. Its the outter image of a confused kid. Its classic RAD. So, I just wanted to post a few comments on parenting style for a RADling. I may appear mean but its what needs to be done.
Every family is different. Every kid is different. Every kid needs something specifically that works for them. So, this is parenting RAD-style. Its not mean, its necessary to have a working family. Just FYI.
The strains a Reactive Attachment Child puts on your family can be enormous.
Effects on the Family of a RAD Child
•Dreams of the perfect loving, caring family are squashed. There is no such thing as perfect family, but a RAD family can become quite dysfunctional.
•A RAD child will play one parent off the other, which could result in a rift between parents.
•Siblings often feel ignored or overlooked as the RAD child takes up so much of the parent’s time. Schedule, daily or weekly, one-on-one quality time for each child in the family.
•Friends, family, church members become critical of parenting and attitude.
•Due to child’s disruptive behaviour, parents often withdraw from social functions.
•Siblings and pets can often be targeted and threatened. It is extremely important for RAD children to have their own room - for their own good as well as the safety of siblings.
•Family events, like Christmas, can be filled with anger and frustration due to RAD behaviour.
•Parents appear to be unfair, strict and sometimes hostile, as parenting skills used with healthy children do not work with RAD children.
Natural Consequences:
•Did not bring homework home – go back and get it or assign your own homework.
•Room not cleaned – stay in your room until it is clean.
•Does not want to eat – no problem, they will not starve, but they will sit at the table while the family eats (NO snack before next meal).
•Misbehaving at dinnertime – remove them from the table. They can go to their room until dinner is over– so the rest of the family can enjoy a peaceful meal. (this is a big one at our house. sometimes i don't even want to eat the same table with them)
•Broken object – they must replace it with their own money or with chores.
•Foul mouth, raised voice, rudeness, and back talk – can be rewarded with chores, exercise (jumping jacks, sit ups, running on the spot) or payment to money jar.
•Hurt someone – they must apologize and lose privileges (having friends over, watching TV, playing video games, using the telephone, etc.). Most likely, they will not mean the apology, but it is a habit-forming process.
Every family is different. Every kid is different. Every kid needs something specifically that works for them. So, this is parenting RAD-style. Its not mean, its necessary to have a working family. Just FYI.
The strains a Reactive Attachment Child puts on your family can be enormous.
Effects on the Family of a RAD Child
•Dreams of the perfect loving, caring family are squashed. There is no such thing as perfect family, but a RAD family can become quite dysfunctional.
•A RAD child will play one parent off the other, which could result in a rift between parents.
•Siblings often feel ignored or overlooked as the RAD child takes up so much of the parent’s time. Schedule, daily or weekly, one-on-one quality time for each child in the family.
•Friends, family, church members become critical of parenting and attitude.
•Due to child’s disruptive behaviour, parents often withdraw from social functions.
•Siblings and pets can often be targeted and threatened. It is extremely important for RAD children to have their own room - for their own good as well as the safety of siblings.
•Family events, like Christmas, can be filled with anger and frustration due to RAD behaviour.
•Parents appear to be unfair, strict and sometimes hostile, as parenting skills used with healthy children do not work with RAD children.
Natural Consequences:
•Did not bring homework home – go back and get it or assign your own homework.
•Room not cleaned – stay in your room until it is clean.
•Does not want to eat – no problem, they will not starve, but they will sit at the table while the family eats (NO snack before next meal).
•Misbehaving at dinnertime – remove them from the table. They can go to their room until dinner is over– so the rest of the family can enjoy a peaceful meal. (this is a big one at our house. sometimes i don't even want to eat the same table with them)
•Broken object – they must replace it with their own money or with chores.
•Foul mouth, raised voice, rudeness, and back talk – can be rewarded with chores, exercise (jumping jacks, sit ups, running on the spot) or payment to money jar.
•Hurt someone – they must apologize and lose privileges (having friends over, watching TV, playing video games, using the telephone, etc.). Most likely, they will not mean the apology, but it is a habit-forming process.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Cranial Sacral Therapy
http://www.craniosacraltherapy.org/Whatis.htm
We do this with a physical therapist during TheraPlay sessions with a psychologist(see previous post on TheraPlay.) The RADlings really seem to be calmer post therapy.
It seems strange and I swear Miss Carol isn't doing anything but holding her hand on their back (well, that's what it appears to be via my lame understanding) but its pretty cool stuff!!!!
We do this with a physical therapist during TheraPlay sessions with a psychologist(see previous post on TheraPlay.) The RADlings really seem to be calmer post therapy.
It seems strange and I swear Miss Carol isn't doing anything but holding her hand on their back (well, that's what it appears to be via my lame understanding) but its pretty cool stuff!!!!
stealing (sigh)
This week we've had issues with both RADlings stealing. This has occurred at home and school. The school had to call me about one incident and I had to contact the school about another. All situations were handled w/ out emotion to the RADlings althougth I was sooooo sad and disappointed on the inside. One RADling seemed truly sorry that he stole. He said he knew stealing was wrong and we talked about it. He had SOME money to spend at the school store but not enough for the item he WANTED. So he took what he wanted. He was caught and talked to at school. At home he was denied TV for the rest of the day and had to do ALOT of chores in the house til I felt as if he was really fully aware of what he did was wrong. And he was talked to by both Dad and myself.
Children with RAD steal from their families: small objects that are then given to friends and even money. They steal from school: velcro, markers, soap. Part of this is because they place no value on things. Every time they moved they left much of what they "owned" behind: clothes, bikes, toys. They also are trying to fill an emptiness in their hearts. They must be watched. If you know they have taken something then they must return it to the person. If it is taken from you and given away they must pay for it. If they have no money they can do chores to earn it.
The other RADling was just mad - not mad he stole. Mad he got caught. And I think that was worse than the remorse showed by the first RADling. He was forced to give the objects stolen back, plus he had to PAY DOUBLE the amount of money he stole from his brothers piggy bank. So, he had to return the amt stolen plus 100% interest. Granted, the math didn't mean much to him. But counting out the money and handing it over did. This RADling is so far in debt on the chore chart he is going to be 18 before he pays it off. He was playing in the car after repeatedly being told "the car is not a toy, please don't play in it" and he dropped his wireless DVD headphones out of the car. When leaving I do a head count for kids before backing out but I do not check for headphones -- CRUNCH. He's currently working of a $30 debt for new headphones on the chore chart...... but one still has to wonder if he's learning anything because when he gets the new headphones he will have forgotten the punishment. Half of me wants to just not replace the headphones so he doesn't get to hear the DVD movies on the way to Grandmas..... but then my heart breaks and I feel like a mean, bitter, vindictive Mom. Sigh.
Just some more RAD facts - incase you feel like reading on....
Symptoms of Reactive Attachment Disorder (as listed by Mayo Clinic)
"Reactive attachment disorder is broken into two types —
inhibited and disinhibited.
While some children have signs and symptoms of just one type, many children have both.
Inhibited type:
In inhibited reactive attachment disorder, children shun relationships and attachments to virtually everyone. This may happen when a baby never has the chance to develop an attachment to any caregiver.
Signs and symptoms of the inhibited type may include:
Resisting affection from parents or caregivers
Avoiding eye contact
Appearing to seek contact but then turning away
Difficulty being comforted
Preferring to play alone
Avoiding physical contact
Failing to initiate contact with others
Appearing to be on guard or wary
Engaging in self-soothing behavior
Disinhibited type:
In disinhibited reactive attachment disorder, children form inappropriate and shallow attachments to virtually everyone, including strangers. This may happen when a baby has multiple caregivers or frequent changes in caregivers.
Signs and symptoms of the disinhibited type may include:
Readily going to strangers, rather than showing stranger anxiety
Seeking comfort from strangers
Exaggerating needs for help doing tasks
Inappropriately childish behavior
Appearing anxious
A word of caution: Not all experts agree on the signs and symptoms of reactive attachment disorder. Some attachment therapists use checklists with numerous nonspecific signs and symptoms that go well beyond what the American Psychiatric Association includes in its definition of the disorder. Be cautious when trying to interpret checklists that include such symptoms as lack of eye contact, rage, aggression, lying, stealing, hoarding food, an apparent lack of a conscience, nonstop chatter, and a desire to wield control. These nonspecific symptoms are difficult to apply to any one diagnosis."
Children with RAD steal from their families: small objects that are then given to friends and even money. They steal from school: velcro, markers, soap. Part of this is because they place no value on things. Every time they moved they left much of what they "owned" behind: clothes, bikes, toys. They also are trying to fill an emptiness in their hearts. They must be watched. If you know they have taken something then they must return it to the person. If it is taken from you and given away they must pay for it. If they have no money they can do chores to earn it.
The other RADling was just mad - not mad he stole. Mad he got caught. And I think that was worse than the remorse showed by the first RADling. He was forced to give the objects stolen back, plus he had to PAY DOUBLE the amount of money he stole from his brothers piggy bank. So, he had to return the amt stolen plus 100% interest. Granted, the math didn't mean much to him. But counting out the money and handing it over did. This RADling is so far in debt on the chore chart he is going to be 18 before he pays it off. He was playing in the car after repeatedly being told "the car is not a toy, please don't play in it" and he dropped his wireless DVD headphones out of the car. When leaving I do a head count for kids before backing out but I do not check for headphones -- CRUNCH. He's currently working of a $30 debt for new headphones on the chore chart...... but one still has to wonder if he's learning anything because when he gets the new headphones he will have forgotten the punishment. Half of me wants to just not replace the headphones so he doesn't get to hear the DVD movies on the way to Grandmas..... but then my heart breaks and I feel like a mean, bitter, vindictive Mom. Sigh.
Just some more RAD facts - incase you feel like reading on....
Symptoms of Reactive Attachment Disorder (as listed by Mayo Clinic)
"Reactive attachment disorder is broken into two types —
inhibited and disinhibited.
While some children have signs and symptoms of just one type, many children have both.
Inhibited type:
In inhibited reactive attachment disorder, children shun relationships and attachments to virtually everyone. This may happen when a baby never has the chance to develop an attachment to any caregiver.
Signs and symptoms of the inhibited type may include:
Resisting affection from parents or caregivers
Avoiding eye contact
Appearing to seek contact but then turning away
Difficulty being comforted
Preferring to play alone
Avoiding physical contact
Failing to initiate contact with others
Appearing to be on guard or wary
Engaging in self-soothing behavior
Disinhibited type:
In disinhibited reactive attachment disorder, children form inappropriate and shallow attachments to virtually everyone, including strangers. This may happen when a baby has multiple caregivers or frequent changes in caregivers.
Signs and symptoms of the disinhibited type may include:
Readily going to strangers, rather than showing stranger anxiety
Seeking comfort from strangers
Exaggerating needs for help doing tasks
Inappropriately childish behavior
Appearing anxious
A word of caution: Not all experts agree on the signs and symptoms of reactive attachment disorder. Some attachment therapists use checklists with numerous nonspecific signs and symptoms that go well beyond what the American Psychiatric Association includes in its definition of the disorder. Be cautious when trying to interpret checklists that include such symptoms as lack of eye contact, rage, aggression, lying, stealing, hoarding food, an apparent lack of a conscience, nonstop chatter, and a desire to wield control. These nonspecific symptoms are difficult to apply to any one diagnosis."
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
RADling well, other sick
Currently I have three healthy kids and one feverish one. In "normal" families this doesn't pose an issue. In a RAD family it may or may not bring on conflict for a few reasons. #1- the sick kid is going to get attention. point blank the kid is SICK. he needs attention. temps taken, fluids given. a few extra hugs and more TV than I'd like to admit. #2 - the kid is sick. but to the RADling this is scary. I guess I should clarify - for my RADlings this is scary. If anyone in our house is sick or injured the RADling automatically things "they are going to die and leave me and abandon me". Its extreme, yes. Unrealistic, yes. But to them the fear is real and its right there on the surface.
The RADling may act out in negative ways to get the attention that is being taken from them. They may "forget" how to count to 10 on their 1st grade homework (yes, that happened last night - the #3 suddenly disappeared) or they may lash out at other siblings. Hurting them or maybe themselves. Once again, when there is crisis a parent of a RADling must be on constant watch- watching out for and RAD behavior and reassuring as much as you can it will be OK.
In our house a sick sibling is scary. A sick parent more scary. A sick MOM--- oh NO -- don't even consider it. I have been sick or injured in the past. And I hide it as best I can. Function as normal. Nothing to see here, move along! :) For a RADling the mother is a central focus - possibly because it was the mother who "abandoned" them in the 1st place. But every RAD book states the RADling is mother focused. So, if by chance you are the mother of a RADling and you get sick or injured put on a brave face cause you have to. Granted, if its severe you have to let on -- reassurance is the key. I am OK. I will be OK. You will be OK. And I'm not going ANYWHERE! Hopefully that will put their mind at ease.
But any sick or injured kid or change in routine (obviously the feverish kid isn't going to school) can set off RAD behavior. Its not fun, its heartbreaking but just know -- its NORMAL for a RADling. Reassure them. Extra time doing normal chores/tasks and patience patience patience. Not only with the RADling but with the sick one-- happy Tuesday!!
The RADling may act out in negative ways to get the attention that is being taken from them. They may "forget" how to count to 10 on their 1st grade homework (yes, that happened last night - the #3 suddenly disappeared) or they may lash out at other siblings. Hurting them or maybe themselves. Once again, when there is crisis a parent of a RADling must be on constant watch- watching out for and RAD behavior and reassuring as much as you can it will be OK.
In our house a sick sibling is scary. A sick parent more scary. A sick MOM--- oh NO -- don't even consider it. I have been sick or injured in the past. And I hide it as best I can. Function as normal. Nothing to see here, move along! :) For a RADling the mother is a central focus - possibly because it was the mother who "abandoned" them in the 1st place. But every RAD book states the RADling is mother focused. So, if by chance you are the mother of a RADling and you get sick or injured put on a brave face cause you have to. Granted, if its severe you have to let on -- reassurance is the key. I am OK. I will be OK. You will be OK. And I'm not going ANYWHERE! Hopefully that will put their mind at ease.
But any sick or injured kid or change in routine (obviously the feverish kid isn't going to school) can set off RAD behavior. Its not fun, its heartbreaking but just know -- its NORMAL for a RADling. Reassure them. Extra time doing normal chores/tasks and patience patience patience. Not only with the RADling but with the sick one-- happy Tuesday!!
sweet potato pie
I never made Sweet Potato Pie before -- and I know is more of a fall thing. But I had so many sweet potatoes (on sale for Easter) that I needed to do SOMETHING w/ them. I am not much of a pie baker/eater. But this was honestly the BEST pie I've ever made!!
Enjoy!!
SWEET POTATO PIE WITH STREUSEL TOPPING
--------------------------------------
1 (23 oz.) can drained sweet potatoes, mashed
(i used 23 oz of fresh that I boiled to mush)
1 (14 oz.) can sweetened condensed milk
1 egg
1 tsp. nutmeg
1/2 tsp. cinnamon
1/4 tsp. ginger
1/8 tsp. cloves
1 (9 inch) unbaked pie shell
STREUSEL TOPPING:
1/2 c. brown sugar
2 tbsp. chopped pecans
2 tbsp. butter, firm
2 tbsp. flour
1/2 tsp. cinnamon
Mix sweet potatoes, milk, egg and spices until smooth. Pour
into a pie shell (I also shoved a few mini marshmallows in at this point for fun).
Mix brown sugar, flour, pecans, cinnamon
and butter together. Blend with fork until crumbly. Sprinkle
on top of pie. Bake at 375 degrees for 50 to 65 minutes.
Enjoy!!
SWEET POTATO PIE WITH STREUSEL TOPPING
--------------------------------------
1 (23 oz.) can drained sweet potatoes, mashed
(i used 23 oz of fresh that I boiled to mush)
1 (14 oz.) can sweetened condensed milk
1 egg
1 tsp. nutmeg
1/2 tsp. cinnamon
1/4 tsp. ginger
1/8 tsp. cloves
1 (9 inch) unbaked pie shell
STREUSEL TOPPING:
1/2 c. brown sugar
2 tbsp. chopped pecans
2 tbsp. butter, firm
2 tbsp. flour
1/2 tsp. cinnamon
Mix sweet potatoes, milk, egg and spices until smooth. Pour
into a pie shell (I also shoved a few mini marshmallows in at this point for fun).
Mix brown sugar, flour, pecans, cinnamon
and butter together. Blend with fork until crumbly. Sprinkle
on top of pie. Bake at 375 degrees for 50 to 65 minutes.
Monday, May 2, 2011
This was my first incident w/ the "we wanted to help but we think we messed up" -- wrong soap in the dishwasher. It was one of the RADlings feeling exceptionally close to me at the time and wanted to clean the dishes while I was off doing another chore. It was sweet and kind and rather amusing. I had visions of The Brady Bunch in my head the whole time. Best part - i was upstairs listening to this: that's not right. it won't get worse. look its coming out all over. that's it. i'm getting her.... Mooooooommmm! FYI: if this happens to you. Run the cycle of the dishwasher w/ 2 tbls of canola oil in the soap dispenser. It will kill the suds then you can run the dishwasher w/ normal Cascade (or product of your choice).
Saturday, April 30, 2011
saturday and routine
Welcome to Saturday. For most people Saturday is a whoo-hoo-no-work-gonna-tackle-that-weekend-project kinda day. For us its different. Why? Cause its saturday. Its not a routine day. For our RADlings and most RAD kids routine is key. Routine is calming and Routine is necessary. For 5 days a week they get up, eat, brush their teeth, get dressed (clothes are layed out M-F so they know where to go for their outfits), and go to school. School is very - well - routine and its OK. Then home, play, snack, homework, movie, dinner, play, showers, reading, and bed. Whew. Done. And ROUTINE. With a RADling they need control and certainity. The Monday-Friday routine gives them that control, that "I know what's going to happen today" sence of peace. Then, here comes Saturday.
For us it begins when the RADlings see Daddy is still home and sleeping. For most kids this would be a great opportunity to jump on daddy, wake him up and play. For us you can almost see the look of concern on their faces. Uh, oh. Daddys home. Its not a work/school day. Its Saturday (dum, dum, dum - that was scary movie music). This is sad on two levels- #1 it sets off the RADling for a possible bad day. #2- its upsetting to the parents to not have that giant pillow fight in bed on Saturday morning that could be a whole heckuva lotta fun.
We have to spend our Saturday looking out for RAD behaviors; overstimulation, fighting, provoking sibilings, breaking toys, wetting themselves, etc. Its not all-comsuming but its not actually fun either. We still get our Saturday on. We still get our errands run, our groceries bought, our yard tended too. But there is a nagging voice at the back of our heads making sure that the RADling is getting what they need to have a good-day.
We can lay out the Saturday plan on a chart and tell the RADling over and over what is going to happen but it never sinks in. Its not a M-F kinda feel (which for most of us is "aaaaahhhhh") so exp
laining it over and over and over and over - well its kinda pointless.
I just wanted to give a little post from the heart. In this one there was no quotes, no charts, and no internet fact finding. It was just me saying "its saturday".
For us it begins when the RADlings see Daddy is still home and sleeping. For most kids this would be a great opportunity to jump on daddy, wake him up and play. For us you can almost see the look of concern on their faces. Uh, oh. Daddys home. Its not a work/school day. Its Saturday (dum, dum, dum - that was scary movie music). This is sad on two levels- #1 it sets off the RADling for a possible bad day. #2- its upsetting to the parents to not have that giant pillow fight in bed on Saturday morning that could be a whole heckuva lotta fun.
We have to spend our Saturday looking out for RAD behaviors; overstimulation, fighting, provoking sibilings, breaking toys, wetting themselves, etc. Its not all-comsuming but its not actually fun either. We still get our Saturday on. We still get our errands run, our groceries bought, our yard tended too. But there is a nagging voice at the back of our heads making sure that the RADling is getting what they need to have a good-day.
We can lay out the Saturday plan on a chart and tell the RADling over and over what is going to happen but it never sinks in. Its not a M-F kinda feel (which for most of us is "aaaaahhhhh") so exp
laining it over and over and over and over - well its kinda pointless.I just wanted to give a little post from the heart. In this one there was no quotes, no charts, and no internet fact finding. It was just me saying "its saturday".
Friday, April 29, 2011
Post Adoption Depression
by Cate from Gathered from Afar
If you are new to our story, you may not know that we longed for 7 years to be parents and the last 33 months of that was just in waiting for our daughters to come home. During that ridiculously long “pregnancy,” I read every adoption book I could get my hands on. I was an expert (well, a head-knowledge expert) on all things transition and attachment. We had prepared the best we could for any challenges and hoped and prayed for the best. One of my most fascinating reads was on post-partum in adopting mothers.
In my experiences up until then, I sure had a lot of the same emotion as a pregnant mom. At one point, based off of a weird picture and an even weirder dream, I contacted the orphanage contacts to make sure Ada had arms. I thought, though, most of it must be in my head. How could that be possible? My body chemistry wasn’t changing. Or was it? Time and again, I hear from other adopting moms that their journey emotionally and sometimes even physically feels like a pregnancy (emotional ups and downs, weight gain, etc). It is just that that pregnancy has no due date and can last for not just months, but years. The emotional strain seems almost impossible at times. I and others were finding experiences to mimic biological journeys but I didn’t understand why.
Then, after hearing Karyn Purvis speak at a conference, it started to make sense. She was talking about changes in the mother’s brain when things happen like nursing or the momma wearing her baby. The bumping of the baby against her chest, changed her internal chemistry and allowed her to connect to the child. You don’t have to have a baby growing inside of you for your brain to prepare and react to a child in your care. The way God made us to engage and connect and attach to others is so remarkable. I could see the benefits for the baby feeling safe and cared for, but the Mom? Amazing.
An adopting mother’s heart does not just mimic a biological pregnancy. For the Moms that walk the adoption journey, they are also susceptible to post-partum. . .or in this case, adoption. . . depression. For those outside of that journey it may seem incredulous. But the studies are astonishing. Not only can we have post-partum, but it can last longer than a bio mom’s and be very intense, especially if you adopt an older child, which also makes sense. My girls, for example, didn’t come home with soft newborn cries and snuggles in Moby wraps. They came home with toddler tantrums and opinions and orphanage behaviors. They were little people with lots (and lots and lots) of pre-me baggage. There were no warm fuzzy memories from her babyhood to hold on to when my child was raging. It can be very hard.
I think knowing about it is half the battle. In a pregnancy, if you know that post-partum can happen to anyone and what it looks like, you won’t feel crazy if it hits you. You won’t feel like a horrible mom. You won’t feel alone. You will get help if you need it. Hopefully, if are adopting or have adopted, and didn’t know about PAD, now you will and you won’t feel isolated on top of overwhelmed and lost and even how to minister to your husband if you or he gets PAD.
If you are new to our story, you may not know that we longed for 7 years to be parents and the last 33 months of that was just in waiting for our daughters to come home. During that ridiculously long “pregnancy,” I read every adoption book I could get my hands on. I was an expert (well, a head-knowledge expert) on all things transition and attachment. We had prepared the best we could for any challenges and hoped and prayed for the best. One of my most fascinating reads was on post-partum in adopting mothers.
In my experiences up until then, I sure had a lot of the same emotion as a pregnant mom. At one point, based off of a weird picture and an even weirder dream, I contacted the orphanage contacts to make sure Ada had arms. I thought, though, most of it must be in my head. How could that be possible? My body chemistry wasn’t changing. Or was it? Time and again, I hear from other adopting moms that their journey emotionally and sometimes even physically feels like a pregnancy (emotional ups and downs, weight gain, etc). It is just that that pregnancy has no due date and can last for not just months, but years. The emotional strain seems almost impossible at times. I and others were finding experiences to mimic biological journeys but I didn’t understand why.
Then, after hearing Karyn Purvis speak at a conference, it started to make sense. She was talking about changes in the mother’s brain when things happen like nursing or the momma wearing her baby. The bumping of the baby against her chest, changed her internal chemistry and allowed her to connect to the child. You don’t have to have a baby growing inside of you for your brain to prepare and react to a child in your care. The way God made us to engage and connect and attach to others is so remarkable. I could see the benefits for the baby feeling safe and cared for, but the Mom? Amazing.
An adopting mother’s heart does not just mimic a biological pregnancy. For the Moms that walk the adoption journey, they are also susceptible to post-partum. . .or in this case, adoption. . . depression. For those outside of that journey it may seem incredulous. But the studies are astonishing. Not only can we have post-partum, but it can last longer than a bio mom’s and be very intense, especially if you adopt an older child, which also makes sense. My girls, for example, didn’t come home with soft newborn cries and snuggles in Moby wraps. They came home with toddler tantrums and opinions and orphanage behaviors. They were little people with lots (and lots and lots) of pre-me baggage. There were no warm fuzzy memories from her babyhood to hold on to when my child was raging. It can be very hard.
I think knowing about it is half the battle. In a pregnancy, if you know that post-partum can happen to anyone and what it looks like, you won’t feel crazy if it hits you. You won’t feel like a horrible mom. You won’t feel alone. You will get help if you need it. Hopefully, if are adopting or have adopted, and didn’t know about PAD, now you will and you won’t feel isolated on top of overwhelmed and lost and even how to minister to your husband if you or he gets PAD.
Time-in vs. Time-out
Most parents are familiar with the time-out concept. You put your child on a chair or some other area away from you for a set amount of time as a discipline technique.
For most kids this is effective, but in traumatized children it can have a negative effect. Some of our children have been neglected and sending them to their rooms or other area for a time out can aggravate feelings of abandonment or neglect. This can trip a trauma trigger in your child and cause the behaviors you are trying to avoid to become worse.
In children with these issues, using a time-in may be more effective. With the time-out the child is away from you. With a time-in you do the exact opposite. Your child remains close to you, or in your lap to allow the child to feel safe and deescalate.
While on the surface it may seem that you are rewarding your child for negative behavior the positive emotional impact of a time-in can help the child heal from trauma. Most times our kids act out because they have feelings they cannot put into words. They are trying to elevate stress in the only way they know how.
A time-in is not used as a punishment, but rather as a way to help the child feel safe. You have the child sit next to you or within eye sight of you. Give the child some toys to play with or some books to read and “check in” with the child every ten to fifteen minutes or so. Tell your child that you are there, whisper “I love you” or some other similar sentiment, ask how the child is doing or whatever method will let your child know that you are checking in.
Watch for trauma signs in your child if you are currently using a time-out technique. If you see the negative behaviors increasing at the mention of a time-out, trying changing techniques and see if things change.
Parents Can Keep Siblings Healthy While Treating Children Who Have RAD
By Kelly Prey
From Connections: National ATTACh Newsletter
Children who have Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) often command nearly every
ounce of a family's emotional and financial resources. All too often, the other children in
the home get less of these resources than they need. These siblings may begin to act out
themselves. Or they may simply withdraw. But no matter what their response, you can be
sure that they are angry.
It may be easy to explain, logically, that the child who has RAD needs extra time and
attention until he is healthier. And, while the siblings may even understand this logic, it
doesn't soothe the persistent feeling inside that they are getting seriously ripped off. But
there are some things you can do to help keep these children healthy while living with a
child who has RAD.
"I recommend that parents be honest with all the children in the home about the
attachment disordered child's background," said Connie Hornyak, LCSW, clinical
director of Attachment Center West in Santa Ana, CA. "It can really help the siblings
keep in touch with some empathy for the child," she said.
"It's also important to help the siblings feel safe," said Hornyak. "This can reduce their
anger. Put locks on their doors, phones in their rooms, and an alarm on the door of the
child who has RAD." Hornyak also recommends protecting the siblings' possessions by
not allowing the child with attachment disorder to use them.
But, according to Hornyak, in addition to trying to reduce the sibling's anger, it's also
important to validate it. "Parents should talk to their healthy children about their own
anger surrounding the problems their child who has RAD is facing, and encourage their
other children to express their anger about the impact RAD has had on their lives as
well."
Hornyak also recommends that parents spend one-on-one time with each child, giving
them as many "normal" experiences as possible. Parents should also be sure to positively
reinforce the siblings' good behavior with rewards from time to time. "You don't want
them to see negative behaviors being rewarded with attention, and good behavior not
getting any reward at all," said Hornyak.
"I don't think it's helpful to put healthy kids in the situation of having friends over and
being stressed out about what they might be subjected to," said Hornyak. "Instead, have
them invite their friends over to camp out in a tent in the back yard, assuming you can
keep the child who has RAD inside. Or, better yet, put the child who has RAD in respite
for a week-end, so the other siblings can have a worry-free sleepover."
Hornyak encourages parents to help their healthy children have as much of a social life as
possible, even if it means spending time with other families. Hornyak also advises
finding a more formal outside support system for siblings, one in which they can express
their anger and embarrassment over their attachment disordered sibling's behavior.
But, while it's important to meet the sibling's needs separately, it's also important to
create some family unity. "Parents should be clear that the family includes everyone, as
opposed to dividing the family into 'us' and 'the child who has RAD'," she said. "Find
activities that help unite the family, such as developing a family crest or family slogan, or
working on photo albums together."
While growing up in a home with a child who has RAD is certainly a unique experience,
and definitely involves some challenges, it can also significantly impact the healthy
siblings' lives in a positive way, especially if the sibling who has RAD came from an
abusive and/or neglectful birth home.
"Siblings of children who have RAD learn to have empathy for those less fortunate than
themselves. They often better appreciate their families; having learned about the
attachment disordered child's birth family. And they're often more socially competent
than their peers," said Hornyak. "Each of the family members and each of the
relationships needs to be healthy for the family to be healthy".
If you have concerns about the siblings, talk to the therapist and/or request some sessions
for them.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Polish Stew (comfort food)
And at the end of a LONG day with your kids or your RADling - try some comfort food of a nice hearty Stew!!
Polish Stew (crock pot meal)
1 1/2lb polska kiebasa polish sausage (sometime I use 2lbs)
2 med onions cut
4 med potatoes
4 c sauerkraut drained
1 can cream of celery soup
1/2 cup brown sugar
1 cup monteray jack cheese
Cut sausage into 1/2" cubes, cut onion, dice potatoes. Layer food wiht potatoes on bottom, then sausage then onions. Place into a crockpot on LOW. Mix sauerkraut, soup and brown sugar, pour over items in crockpot. Cook for 8-9 hours until potatoes are done (mine about 8 1/2 hours), then add cheese and serve. XOXOXOXOXOXO!
Polish Stew (crock pot meal)
1 1/2lb polska kiebasa polish sausage (sometime I use 2lbs)
2 med onions cut
4 med potatoes
4 c sauerkraut drained
1 can cream of celery soup
1/2 cup brown sugar
1 cup monteray jack cheese
Cut sausage into 1/2" cubes, cut onion, dice potatoes. Layer food wiht potatoes on bottom, then sausage then onions. Place into a crockpot on LOW. Mix sauerkraut, soup and brown sugar, pour over items in crockpot. Cook for 8-9 hours until potatoes are done (mine about 8 1/2 hours), then add cheese and serve. XOXOXOXOXOXO!
Control Continued
Yes, we have to be strict. We have to be diligent. We have to root out "normal" kid behavior from self destructive RAD behavior. And its exhausting. And if we appear to the outside world as crazy strict parents its cause we are. For everyone - ourselves and our kids. RAD is a constant parent child struggle with little or no parental benefit. Because with healthy children the cuddle factor is always in play at the end of a bad day. A RAD kid would rather be punished than hugged.
RAD kids has months-years where they were not in control. Their basic needs were not met. They needed, and they were neglected. Therefore trust is non existant and ever little life need is a game to test the caregiver. Alot of RAD kids instigate conflict on purpose because conflict is where they feel most safe. They want the caregiver to be as mad on the outside as they are on the inside. In addition, the RAD kid is testing the caregiver to see if they can make the caregiver "hate" them with their actions becuase they internally hate themselves.
Reactive Attachment Disorder is a very real illness. Children with Reactive Attachment Disorder are reacting to events in their early life that may include neglect, abuse, or something more subtle (see causes below). Due to these events, many children are unable to attach to a primary caregiver and go through the normal development that children must go through in order to function in relationships. My explanation is somewhat simplified but may be helpful to you. It does not replace a diagnosis from an attachment therapist.
In the first two years of life, children go through healthy attachment cycles - the first year and second year attachment cycles. A healthy first year attachment cycle looks like this:
As the baby has a need and signals that need by crying, the mother (primary caregiver) comes and soothes her baby and meets his needs. If this cycle is repeated over and over again and the baby's needs are consistently met in the proper way by the same caregiver, the baby often learns to trust. He will then be able to continue on in his development. Now, take a look at the disturbed attachment cycle:
As you compare the Healthy Attachment Cycle to the Disturbed Attachment Cycle, you can see how the baby has a need, cries, but this time, the need is not met by his mother (primary caregiver). Sometimes, the need is met but it is inconsistent, or there are different caregivers who are not attuned to this particular baby. Sometimes the baby's cries go unanswered as in the case of neglect or the baby's cries are met with a slap as in the case of physical abuse. Whatever the cause, the baby's needs are not met in a consistent, appropriate way. (See Potential Causes)
Instead of learning to trust as the baby who experiences the Healthy Attachment Cycle, this baby learns that the world is an unsafe place, that he must take care of himself, that he can trust no one to meet his needs. He learns that he cannot depend on adults. Instead of trust developing, rage develops and is internalized. He learns that he must be in charge of his life for his very survival. Is it any wonder that a child with reactive attachment disorder feels the need to be in control? He thinks his very life depends on it.
If the child has been able to successfully go through the Healthy Attachment Cycle during his first year of life, then he most likely will be able to go through the next which is the Second Year Secure Attachment Cycle:
Instead of learning to trust as the baby who experiences the Healthy Attachment Cycle, this baby learns that the world is an unsafe place, that he must take care of himself, that he can trust no one to meet his needs. He learns that he cannot depend on adults. Instead of trust developing, rage develops and is internalized. He learns that he must be in charge of his life for his very survival. Is it any wonder that a child with reactive attachment disorder feels the need to be in control? He thinks his very life depends on it.
If the child has been able to successfully go through the Healthy Attachment Cycle during his first year of life, then he most likely will be able to go through the next which is the Second Year Secure Attachment Cycle:
It is only by going through this Second Year Secure Attachment Cycle that the child will ever be able to learn to accept limits on his behavior. It is by going through these two attachment cycles - the Healthy Attachment Cycle in the first year and then the Second Year Secure Attachment Cycle - that the child learns to trust, engage in reciprocity, to regulate his emotions. It is back there that he starts to develop a conscience, self- esteem, empathy, the foundations for logical thinking are laid down, etc. The breakdown of these two attachment cycles will damage all of the relationships he has for the rest of his life unless interventions are made.
When the first cycle breaks down, the child cannot do the second year. To expect the child to function as a typical child when his normal development was completely stunted back in infant/toddlerhood is not rational. We must take them back and help them redo these steps.
When the first cycle breaks down, the child cannot do the second year. To expect the child to function as a typical child when his normal development was completely stunted back in infant/toddlerhood is not rational. We must take them back and help them redo these steps.
Control
As a parent of a RAD kid, do you have to be so strict? The compulsive need of the RAD child to control everyone and everything in her environment is an effort to feel safe. To this end, she will be very manipulative. Her misbehavior is intended to prove that no one is strong enough to control her, yet when she is allowed to succeed, it reinforces her fear that no one is strong enough to keep her safe. If we are strict with our daughter, it is to prove to her that we are strong enough to keep her safe. A child who has no empathy or appreciation of cause and effect requires structure. This not only keeps her (and everyone else) safe, but it helps her to learn that actions have consequences.
German Black Forest Cake
1 (21 oz.) can cherry pie filling
1 (8 ½ oz.) can crushed pineapple, undrained
1 cup almonds
1 ½ cups semisweet chocolate morsels
1 cup flaked coconut
1 (18.25 oz.) box of chocolate cake mix
½ cup butter
Cool Whip as topping
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease 13x9 baking dish.
Pour the cherry pie filling into the prepared dish and spread evenly.
Mix pineapple, almonds, chocolate morsels, coconut, cake mix and butter. Pour over cherry pie filling in dish.
Cover with foil and bake 30 minutes. Remove foil and bake 20 minutes longer.
The Bath
The Bath (11/20/10) by T. Sandel
Last night I pretended that I was pregnant
still
or again
or at last
I poured a tall bath, not too hot,
and lit all the candles
and added rose oil for strength.
With a big sigh
I lay back and studied my belly
imagining my body more special than it is
for holding something more than I am.
I cried salty tears
dripping into the water
for my lost babies who are still here
healthy and whole
but so much bigger and stronger, mobile and articulate
that it’s not enough anymore to sit and hold them while they sleep.
I wept for babies lost
whom we never got to hold, too
Jolene’s, Nicole’s, and Stephen’s twin
all the babies that tried in Julie’s body before Kaelen took root
with his signature tenacity
all the love for those sweethearts that had to be diverted or swallowed too quick.
But I smile to remember more babies we got to keep
mine and yours that you let me hold and admire
in the grocery store and at ball games,
at the babies we all once were
when other, older women celebrated
our weight gain, and hair growth, and changes in teeth.
if I’d started earlier
I think I might be a woman who keeps having babies
until she can’t afford them
in money or spirit
I’d take my brood of 8 to the ice cream shop
lined up in hand-me-down clothes
ever so polite
I’d home school them for the pure fact that I couldn’t keep up with their homework
and notes and schedules otherwise
and they would so honor thy mother!
But that’s pretend, and the reality is exceptionally good
two boys on the cusp –
intelligent, funny, and generous, sweet
asking if they can join me in the tub now
hinting at a massage later
or some chocolate,
or maybe a trip to that ice cream shop.
the truth is in my floating bones,
woman bones that feel and see and know
beyond scientific proof:
my bones know that “all I could ever be, I already am”
that pregnant before or pregnant never,
my body is a rocking temple
of fire and joy running over
for all our babies, our men,
our beautiful girls of every age
and that my mother-job is to cherish me a little
just as I am
to love us all.
still
or again
or at last
I poured a tall bath, not too hot,
and lit all the candles
and added rose oil for strength.
With a big sigh
I lay back and studied my belly
imagining my body more special than it is
for holding something more than I am.
I cried salty tears
dripping into the water
for my lost babies who are still here
healthy and whole
but so much bigger and stronger, mobile and articulate
that it’s not enough anymore to sit and hold them while they sleep.
I wept for babies lost
whom we never got to hold, too
Jolene’s, Nicole’s, and Stephen’s twin
all the babies that tried in Julie’s body before Kaelen took root
with his signature tenacity
all the love for those sweethearts that had to be diverted or swallowed too quick.
But I smile to remember more babies we got to keep
mine and yours that you let me hold and admire
in the grocery store and at ball games,
at the babies we all once were
when other, older women celebrated
our weight gain, and hair growth, and changes in teeth.
if I’d started earlier
I think I might be a woman who keeps having babies
until she can’t afford them
in money or spirit
I’d take my brood of 8 to the ice cream shop
lined up in hand-me-down clothes
ever so polite
I’d home school them for the pure fact that I couldn’t keep up with their homework
and notes and schedules otherwise
and they would so honor thy mother!
But that’s pretend, and the reality is exceptionally good
two boys on the cusp –
intelligent, funny, and generous, sweet
asking if they can join me in the tub now
hinting at a massage later
or some chocolate,
or maybe a trip to that ice cream shop.
the truth is in my floating bones,
woman bones that feel and see and know
beyond scientific proof:
my bones know that “all I could ever be, I already am”
that pregnant before or pregnant never,
my body is a rocking temple
of fire and joy running over
for all our babies, our men,
our beautiful girls of every age
and that my mother-job is to cherish me a little
just as I am
to love us all.
Surviving Mother's Day
by Kim from Michigan
The month of May brings warm sunny days, flowers, and Mother's Day. Under normal circumstances these would all be wonderful things. Normal, as you know, is not in the vocabulary of many adoptive families. This is especially true for a family who has a Reactive Attachment Disordered (RAD) child who is in the process of healing. Even with the extreme efforts and sacrifices of super Moms who love these kids and are trying to help them trust, RAD kids struggle to see that things can be different from what they once knew. I have yet to have a RAD mom tell me she had a terrific Mother's Day, one she will always remember. One where the child was thankful for the opportunity to get such an awesome mom and was able to properly show Mom how much she is appreciated. This is something I am sure we all dream about and deserve at least a hundred fold.
Well I have a few thoughts on this subject that I would like to share, born out of several miserable Mother's Days myself. I have great hope that they can work for you also. Although I cannot say I had an awesome Mother's Day, I can say it was not ruined. I can also say I have great hope for the future. I began thinking in earnest about why these children feel the need to ruin the day for their adoptive Mothers. I concluded the following three reasons, although I am sure there are others. Many of these children feel they are betraying their Birth Mom. Many do not understand yet what a Mom is supposed to mean to a child. Others view their Adoptive Mom as the reason why they can't be with their Birth Mom. Any of these reasons would logically crush any hope for a fulfilling Mother's Day for an Adoptive Mom. There is also no doubt a tremendous sense of loss for adopted children about this holiday.
My idea was created in an effort to ease the loss and to give our child back something she felt cheated out of. I created a Mother's Day Eve. This is a day set aside to REMEMBER her Birth Mother. I use the word remember because it may not be a celebration for the children, after all they are not with their Birth Moms for a reason.
You'll have to fine tune the concept to fit your own family environment and issues, but this is how my family remembers Mother's Day Eve. The remembrance basically centers around a dinner together. It is the attention to the details that set it aside from any other ordinary day though. To start, it is important to treat this as a very special day. Give it the same care and attention you would as if it was for your own family. Several days before the event, our child picks out the entire dinner menu, including a cake mix and frosting. If time allows, we take her grocery shopping for the items. We bake the cake portion together during the afternoon of the Eve. Our daughter is then allowed to decorate the cake anyway she sees fit. The menu portion and cake are excellent mediums for her to express how she is feeling on the inside. Go with the flow and consult your therapist if any requests are unsettling.
Be careful not to make children feel their ideas are bad. Our first experience turned into an art therapy session for drugs and alcohol. Our child let color direct the palette - the color of drugs and alcohol in her Birth Mom's body. Let me tell you it was very gross AND very healing. While preparing the food, we put out the fine linens and good dishes. We then place a picture of our daughter's Birth Mom (ask the children to draw a picture of what they think she looks like if photo is unavailable) on the table as the centerpiece with maybe a decoration she makes during the day.
At dinner, we toast the Birth Mom and thank her for bringing (child's name) into this world. At the completion of the meal, we clear the table together and then sit down to make Mother's Day cards for her Birth Mom. We all make them individually. Again I think it is a great way for our child to express her feelings artistically. Don't be upset or surprised if anger or sadness comes out. It is all part of the healing process. The way I figure it is, if she is getting feelings out, it is called progress. It's all that stuffing her feelings and being stuck that causes all the problems anyway.
Our family shares what we each write on the cards afterwards. This sharing helps validate our daughter's feelings and helps us as parents understand what her thought processes and fantasies are. We then gather up all the cards and place them in a special keepsake box that she keeps in her possession. Sometimes we let the cards sit out over night on the table. This is our daughter's preference. Sometimes she is not ready to bring the day to closure. The acknowledgement of our daughter's Birth Mom seemed to free up our daughter emotionally to not ruin the actual holiday. Remembering on Mother's Day Eve gave her an opportunity to do something she felt she had lost the right to do. It also seems to have aided in the healing and acceptance for her, her Birth Mom, and our current family.
We currently practice this concept with all the holidays. We have had great success with preserving the actual holiday. Now that's not to say we have not had awful moments due to our daughter feeling like she does not deserve goodness and presents. However, this seems to have taken the steam out of it being against us as the adoptive parents. After our first experience I thought to myself, how wonderfully accepting for our child to feel like she can have parts of both families with her. After all, we cannot erase her past and her connections to another family. Accepting that part of her life and helping her stay connected in a healthy way is a great gift unto her and our selves. I wish you all the best in trying this idea out.
Help Mom Feel Special on Mother's Day
Those of us who have given our whole heart and soul to heal adoptive and Reactive Attachment Disordered (RAD) children know that many of these kids are unable to give their Mom's the kind of Mother's Day she deserves. Mother's Day Eve (a previous idea) may assist in keeping them from ruining the day, but the Mom is still not going to get the kind of day she deserves. Until you have actually lived with one of these children, you cannot possibly imagine how radically a Mom's life changes. The sole focus of a Mom's life becomes the goal of healing the child. Here in lies the danger because the child's objective is to push the Mom away and make her feel everything the child does.
These Moms need a lot of help. They need support and reminders of how awesome they really are in order to carry out their new role in life. The RAD Mom especially is not celebrated by the child on Mother's Day, as is the custom in a healthy relationship between mother and child. Instead these moms have to take their gifts of joy from moments when progress is made in the form of a particularly horrible behavior that stops (and we all pray is not replaced with another). Progress can be made when, on rare occasions, genuine emotions are expressed. Perhaps when love and logic parenting works, and children begin to learn from their mistakes and don't repeatedly commit the same offense over and over again. Maybe it is when the children finally begin to care about something that gives parents some leverage (this is a two fold reward). Progress could be when parents can pay a compliment to their children without getting a pay back for it. How about when they begin to accept responsibility for their own happiness because they realize they are not bad and that they do deserve a great life. These are joys a RAD mom waits along time to get however. She does not get the daily, weekly and even monthly rewards of hugs and kisses and meaningful thank you's and I love you's.
There is no such thing as a great Mother's Day for a Mom who lives with a RAD child in the process of healing. These children are simply not capable of reciprocal behavior. They do not know how to show love and appreciation. They after all are still just trying to survive. They only know how to drain a Mom beyond belief. They are strictly takers. They do not give back. There in lies the toughest part of the job for a Mom because she does not get back on a regular basis for all her hard work and commitment. The rewards come very slowly over months and years.
As a parent of RAD children, I know I need a lot of encouragement, shared perspective, and support to keep a healthy parenting attitude towards my children. I urge all of you who are around one of these Mom's to take extra care in letting her know what a great Mom she is and that the commitment that she is making to heal the damaged soul of a child is a great gift unto all of us. Show her she is appreciated by sending flowers or a card, make dinner, do her laundry, give massage gift certificates or up lifting books. Do things that help her keep something she is interested in, something she no longer has time for, such as tending her garden, buying scrap book supplies and offering to help or cooking magazines for the gourmet. This can help minimize the losses she feels.
Other ideas can be, surprising her with a morning break of coffee and bagels, going grocery shopping for her, or buying soft relaxing music, scented body soaps and lotions. And don't under estimate the power of a hug. Consider anything that eases her burdens and provides momentary joy. These Mom's sacrifices are tremendous and in order for them to continue in this often thankless and isolating job they NEED to feel lots and lots of loving support around them on Mother's Day and through out the year.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Resources for RAD
Just a quick note with some resources for RAD. Background - my husband and I adopted twins from Bulgaria in 2006. They were 26 months old and had been neglected in the orphanage. Not by any part of the orphanages fault - understaffed, overworked, low on money, ex-Communist country with a currancy losing power in Europe and a government trying to rebuild. It was just what happened.
Did we know about RAD when we adopted the twins? Nope. Would we have changed our minds had we known about RAD when adopting them? Nope. Have we learned ALOT about RAD and continue to learn more all the time. Yep.
We use TheraPlay with the twins. Pete has had more extensive therapy than Pavel has but we think that is soon to change. The older they get the more significant their issues seem to become apparent. We like the concepts and just began "brushing" this week (more on that to come). I will be able to comment more when I understand it more and have seen how it may help Pete.
For now, it was a LONG and HARD day with a less than fairytail ending for the RAD twins. But they are lovingly tucked into bed with kisses, blankets and about a billion stuffed animals so its time for the parental wind-down with a rented movie. Thanks for reading.
http://birthtothreetherapies.com/
http://theraplay.org/8400.html
http://aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/reactive_attachment_disorder
Did we know about RAD when we adopted the twins? Nope. Would we have changed our minds had we known about RAD when adopting them? Nope. Have we learned ALOT about RAD and continue to learn more all the time. Yep.
We use TheraPlay with the twins. Pete has had more extensive therapy than Pavel has but we think that is soon to change. The older they get the more significant their issues seem to become apparent. We like the concepts and just began "brushing" this week (more on that to come). I will be able to comment more when I understand it more and have seen how it may help Pete.
For now, it was a LONG and HARD day with a less than fairytail ending for the RAD twins. But they are lovingly tucked into bed with kisses, blankets and about a billion stuffed animals so its time for the parental wind-down with a rented movie. Thanks for reading.
http://birthtothreetherapies.com/
http://theraplay.org/8400.html
http://aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/reactive_attachment_disorder
Speak to us of Children
And a woman, who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your lvoe but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls swell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
The Phophet, Kahlil Gibran
Parenting is difficult enough without the diagnosis of RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) on top of it. Just figuring out what a child needs in general is exhausting but then figuring out what a RAD kid needs is figuratively impossible. Yah, there are guidelines and books and the how-to of raising a RAD kid. But as every parent knows -- no kid fits into a stereotypical mold. So, this is how Tammy and I are dealing with our RAD kids. By sharing. Sharing what works for us and what doesn't. What we've tried, what we want to try-- our successes and failures. If you have a kid w/ RAD stay tuned. Tammy and I are full of resources. If you are parent who just needs and outlet stay tuned. This will be a heartfelt, humorous (if you don't laugh you might cry) and sometimes truly sad story. But its Parenting so anything goes, right?
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your lvoe but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls swell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
The Phophet, Kahlil Gibran
Parenting is difficult enough without the diagnosis of RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) on top of it. Just figuring out what a child needs in general is exhausting but then figuring out what a RAD kid needs is figuratively impossible. Yah, there are guidelines and books and the how-to of raising a RAD kid. But as every parent knows -- no kid fits into a stereotypical mold. So, this is how Tammy and I are dealing with our RAD kids. By sharing. Sharing what works for us and what doesn't. What we've tried, what we want to try-- our successes and failures. If you have a kid w/ RAD stay tuned. Tammy and I are full of resources. If you are parent who just needs and outlet stay tuned. This will be a heartfelt, humorous (if you don't laugh you might cry) and sometimes truly sad story. But its Parenting so anything goes, right?
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
The most important meal of the day
Quick breakfast ideas:
- Whole wheat toast or bagels with peanut butter and raisins on top of either for added flavor.
- Make waffles Sunday morning and freeze the leftovers. You can pop ‘em in the toaster and go.
- Have you ever tried a tortilla for breakfast? Wrap up cold turkey and cheese, grab an apple and you’re on your way.
- Don’t forget cold cereal. We’re not talking about those covered with sugar, but the healthy variety. Items such as Wheaties and Cheerios are always good choices.
- Whole-egg or egg white omelets with fresh or frozen veggies.
- Make a shake or a smoothie. Blend fruit and yogurt and then drink it in the car. A side option is a small bag of finger foods, such as a mixture of granola and grapes.
Monday, April 25, 2011
What is RAD?
Lack of Affection and its effect on children (An excerpt of “Living With RAD”)
A baby is born. It is taken to the mother who has, let's say, bi-polar disorder. She has not sought help for her disorder but uses drugs and alcohol to self medicate. She looks at the baby and turns away. When asked if she wants to hold the baby she says no. When asked if she is going to breast feed she turns up her nose and says "No. Give him a bottle." They arrive home to chaos. They baby has no crib but is laid in a dirty play pen in the corner. Loud music blaring, smoke in the air, many people coming and going. Mom begins to party with her friends. The baby has a bottle propped in its mouth now and then and is changed when the smell is bad enough. As a toddler the baby is hit when it cries and shoved out of the way. Men come and go from mom’s life. Some are ok. Some are abusive. Perhaps sexually. Social Services come and remove the preschooler from his home and put him in foster care. By this time the preschool age child is flipping people off and dropping the f bomb freely. He has seen porn, watched his mom have sex with various men and perhaps had to do so himself. The first foster home can't handle his behaviors so he is moved. The second foster home has to move to another town, so he is moved. The third foster home has a foster child who sexually abuses him behind closed doors...... and then the child is adopted.
He has reactive attachment disorder (RAD). This is no child in particular but many children fit this description.
Another child is born. His parents can't wait to hold him and look into his eyes. He is told how much he is loved. He is kept clean. His cries are answered by loving words and kind eyes. He is held. He is cherished. His first steps are greeted with cheers and video cameras. He is read too. He has grandparents who hug him and smother him with kisses. He is lovingly disciplined. He is gently potty trained. His parents may not have much money but he knows he is loved. He is a confident happy preschooler ready for his first day of preschool.
Attachment to our primary caregiver makes all the difference in the world as to how our brains work. Attachment makes us feel loved and safe. It gives us the ability to trust. Our children have been hurt. We must give them structure, love, safety. Never lose sight of the amount of hurt and damage neglect did to their brains as babies. They are so scared and it comes off as anger. Inside is a frightened little child who needs to learn to love.
Never, never, never quit.
Welcome!
Welcome to our b-l-o-g. We are Jen and Tammy. Friends from junior high – that’s what it was called back then. Life lead us in different directions and ~ a decade and a half past high school we reconnected.
Infertility, adoption, raising children, raising multiple children, raising children with a history of traumatic experiences, cooking (Jen rocks this area), chauffeuring, volunteering, school, extracurricular activities, employment, SAHM, husbands, families, shopping, pedicures and a smidge of booze plus a TON of humor get us through our day-to-day lives.
Here we’ll share our stories, both good and bad, as everyone has their good and bad days. We hope you’ll comment, share your tales and join in our general support of one another – mama to mama.
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