Control Continued

Yes, we have to be strict. We have to be diligent. We have to root out "normal" kid behavior from self destructive RAD behavior. And its exhausting. And if we appear to the outside world as crazy strict parents its cause we are. For everyone - ourselves and our kids. RAD is a constant parent child struggle with little or no parental benefit. Because with healthy children the cuddle factor is always in play at the end of a bad day. A RAD kid would rather be punished than hugged.

RAD kids has months-years where they were not in control. Their basic needs were not met. They needed, and they were neglected. Therefore trust is non existant and ever little life need is a game to test the caregiver. Alot of RAD kids instigate conflict on purpose because conflict is where they feel most safe. They want the caregiver to be as mad on the outside as they are on the inside. In addition, the RAD kid is testing the caregiver to see if they can make the caregiver "hate" them with their actions becuase they internally hate themselves.

Reactive Attachment Disorder is a very real illness. Children with Reactive Attachment Disorder are reacting to events in their early life that may include neglect, abuse, or something more subtle (see causes below). Due to these events, many children are unable to attach to a primary caregiver and go through the normal development that children must go through in order to function in relationships. My explanation is somewhat simplified but may be helpful to you. It does not replace a diagnosis from an attachment therapist.

In the first two years of life, children go through healthy attachment cycles - the first year and second year attachment cycles. A healthy first year attachment cycle looks like this:

As the baby has a need and signals that need by crying, the mother (primary caregiver) comes and soothes her baby and meets his needs. If this cycle is repeated over and over again and the baby's needs are consistently met in the proper way by the same caregiver, the baby often learns to trust. He will then be able to continue on in his development. Now, take a look at the disturbed attachment cycle:

As you compare the Healthy Attachment Cycle to the Disturbed Attachment Cycle, you can see how the baby has a need, cries, but this time, the need is not met by his mother (primary caregiver). Sometimes, the need is met but it is inconsistent, or there are different caregivers who are not attuned to this particular baby. Sometimes the baby's cries go unanswered as in the case of neglect or the baby's cries are met with a slap as in the case of physical abuse. Whatever the cause, the baby's needs are not met in a consistent, appropriate way. (See Potential Causes)

Instead of learning to trust as the baby who experiences the Healthy Attachment Cycle, this baby learns that the world is an unsafe place, that he must take care of himself, that he can trust no one to meet his needs. He learns that he cannot depend on adults. Instead of trust developing, rage develops and is internalized. He learns that he must be in charge of his life for his very survival. Is it any wonder that a child with reactive attachment disorder feels the need to be in control? He thinks his very life depends on it.

If the child has been able to successfully go through the Healthy Attachment Cycle during his first year of life, then he most likely will be able to go through the next which is the Second Year Secure Attachment Cycle:

It is only by going through this Second Year Secure Attachment Cycle that the child will ever be able to learn to accept limits on his behavior. It is by going through these two attachment cycles - the Healthy Attachment Cycle in the first year and then the Second Year Secure Attachment Cycle - that the child learns to trust, engage in reciprocity, to regulate his emotions. It is back there that he starts to develop a conscience, self- esteem, empathy, the foundations for logical thinking are laid down, etc. The breakdown of these two attachment cycles will damage all of the relationships he has for the rest of his life unless interventions are made.

When the first cycle breaks down, the child cannot do the second year. To expect the child to function as a typical child when his normal development was completely stunted back in infant/toddlerhood is not rational. We must take them back and help them redo these steps.