Parents Can Keep Siblings Healthy While Treating Children Who Have RAD

By Kelly Prey

From Connections: National ATTACh Newsletter

Children who have Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) often command nearly every

ounce of a family's emotional and financial resources. All too often, the other children in

the home get less of these resources than they need. These siblings may begin to act out

themselves. Or they may simply withdraw. But no matter what their response, you can be

sure that they are angry.

It may be easy to explain, logically, that the child who has RAD needs extra time and

attention until he is healthier. And, while the siblings may even understand this logic, it

doesn't soothe the persistent feeling inside that they are getting seriously ripped off. But

there are some things you can do to help keep these children healthy while living with a

child who has RAD.

"I recommend that parents be honest with all the children in the home about the

attachment disordered child's background," said Connie Hornyak, LCSW, clinical

director of Attachment Center West in Santa Ana, CA. "It can really help the siblings

keep in touch with some empathy for the child," she said.

"It's also important to help the siblings feel safe," said Hornyak. "This can reduce their

anger. Put locks on their doors, phones in their rooms, and an alarm on the door of the

child who has RAD." Hornyak also recommends protecting the siblings' possessions by

not allowing the child with attachment disorder to use them.

But, according to Hornyak, in addition to trying to reduce the sibling's anger, it's also

important to validate it. "Parents should talk to their healthy children about their own

anger surrounding the problems their child who has RAD is facing, and encourage their

other children to express their anger about the impact RAD has had on their lives as

well."

Hornyak also recommends that parents spend one-on-one time with each child, giving

them as many "normal" experiences as possible. Parents should also be sure to positively

reinforce the siblings' good behavior with rewards from time to time. "You don't want

them to see negative behaviors being rewarded with attention, and good behavior not

getting any reward at all," said Hornyak.

"I don't think it's helpful to put healthy kids in the situation of having friends over and

being stressed out about what they might be subjected to," said Hornyak. "Instead, have

them invite their friends over to camp out in a tent in the back yard, assuming you can

keep the child who has RAD inside. Or, better yet, put the child who has RAD in respite

for a week-end, so the other siblings can have a worry-free sleepover."

Hornyak encourages parents to help their healthy children have as much of a social life as

possible, even if it means spending time with other families. Hornyak also advises

finding a more formal outside support system for siblings, one in which they can express

their anger and embarrassment over their attachment disordered sibling's behavior.

But, while it's important to meet the sibling's needs separately, it's also important to

create some family unity. "Parents should be clear that the family includes everyone, as

opposed to dividing the family into 'us' and 'the child who has RAD'," she said. "Find

activities that help unite the family, such as developing a family crest or family slogan, or

working on photo albums together."

While growing up in a home with a child who has RAD is certainly a unique experience,

and definitely involves some challenges, it can also significantly impact the healthy

siblings' lives in a positive way, especially if the sibling who has RAD came from an

abusive and/or neglectful birth home.

"Siblings of children who have RAD learn to have empathy for those less fortunate than

themselves. They often better appreciate their families; having learned about the

attachment disordered child's birth family. And they're often more socially competent

than their peers," said Hornyak. "Each of the family members and each of the

relationships needs to be healthy for the family to be healthy".

If you have concerns about the siblings, talk to the therapist and/or request some sessions

for them.