saturday and routine

Welcome to Saturday. For most people Saturday is a whoo-hoo-no-work-gonna-tackle-that-weekend-project kinda day. For us its different. Why? Cause its saturday. Its not a routine day. For our RADlings and most RAD kids routine is key. Routine is calming and Routine is necessary. For 5 days a week they get up, eat, brush their teeth, get dressed (clothes are layed out M-F so they know where to go for their outfits), and go to school. School is very - well - routine and its OK. Then home, play, snack, homework, movie, dinner, play, showers, reading, and bed. Whew. Done. And ROUTINE. With a RADling they need control and certainity. The Monday-Friday routine gives them that control, that "I know what's going to happen today" sence of peace. Then, here comes Saturday.

For us it begins when the RADlings see Daddy is still home and sleeping. For most kids this would be a great opportunity to jump on daddy, wake him up and play. For us you can almost see the look of concern on their faces. Uh, oh. Daddys home. Its not a work/school day. Its Saturday (dum, dum, dum - that was scary movie music). This is sad on two levels- #1 it sets off the RADling for a possible bad day. #2- its upsetting to the parents to not have that giant pillow fight in bed on Saturday morning that could be a whole heckuva lotta fun.

We have to spend our Saturday looking out for RAD behaviors; overstimulation, fighting, provoking sibilings, breaking toys, wetting themselves, etc. Its not all-comsuming but its not actually fun either. We still get our Saturday on. We still get our errands run, our groceries bought, our yard tended too. But there is a nagging voice at the back of our heads making sure that the RADling is getting what they need to have a good-day.

We can lay out the Saturday plan on a chart and tell the RADling over and over what is going to happen but it never sinks in. Its not a M-F kinda feel (which for most of us is "aaaaahhhhh") so explaining it over and over and over and over - well its kinda pointless.

I just wanted to give a little post from the heart. In this one there was no quotes, no charts, and no internet fact finding. It was just me saying "its saturday".

Post Adoption Depression

by Cate from Gathered from Afar

If you are new to our story, you may not know that we longed for 7 years to be parents and the last 33 months of that was just in waiting for our daughters to come home. During that ridiculously long “pregnancy,” I read every adoption book I could get my hands on. I was an expert (well, a head-knowledge expert) on all things transition and attachment. We had prepared the best we could for any challenges and hoped and prayed for the best. One of my most fascinating reads was on post-partum in adopting mothers.

In my experiences up until then, I sure had a lot of the same emotion as a pregnant mom. At one point, based off of a weird picture and an even weirder dream, I contacted the orphanage contacts to make sure Ada had arms. I thought, though, most of it must be in my head. How could that be possible? My body chemistry wasn’t changing. Or was it? Time and again, I hear from other adopting moms that their journey emotionally and sometimes even physically feels like a pregnancy (emotional ups and downs, weight gain, etc). It is just that that pregnancy has no due date and can last for not just months, but years. The emotional strain seems almost impossible at times. I and others were finding experiences to mimic biological journeys but I didn’t understand why.

Then, after hearing Karyn Purvis speak at a conference, it started to make sense. She was talking about changes in the mother’s brain when things happen like nursing or the momma wearing her baby. The bumping of the baby against her chest, changed her internal chemistry and allowed her to connect to the child. You don’t have to have a baby growing inside of you for your brain to prepare and react to a child in your care. The way God made us to engage and connect and attach to others is so remarkable. I could see the benefits for the baby feeling safe and cared for, but the Mom? Amazing.

An adopting mother’s heart does not just mimic a biological pregnancy. For the Moms that walk the adoption journey, they are also susceptible to post-partum. . .or in this case, adoption. . . depression. For those outside of that journey it may seem incredulous. But the studies are astonishing. Not only can we have post-partum, but it can last longer than a bio mom’s and be very intense, especially if you adopt an older child, which also makes sense. My girls, for example, didn’t come home with soft newborn cries and snuggles in Moby wraps. They came home with toddler tantrums and opinions and orphanage behaviors. They were little people with lots (and lots and lots) of pre-me baggage. There were no warm fuzzy memories from her babyhood to hold on to when my child was raging. It can be very hard.

I think knowing about it is half the battle. In a pregnancy, if you know that post-partum can happen to anyone and what it looks like, you won’t feel crazy if it hits you. You won’t feel like a horrible mom. You won’t feel alone. You will get help if you need it. Hopefully, if are adopting or have adopted, and didn’t know about PAD, now you will and you won’t feel isolated on top of overwhelmed and lost and even how to minister to your husband if you or he gets PAD. 

Time-in vs. Time-out

Most parents are familiar with the time-out concept. You put your child on a chair or some other area away from you for a set amount of time as a discipline technique.

For most kids this is effective, but in traumatized children it can have a negative effect. Some of our children have been neglected and sending them to their rooms or other area for a time out can aggravate feelings of abandonment or neglect. This can trip a trauma trigger in your child and cause the behaviors you are trying to avoid to become worse.

In children with these issues, using a time-in may be more effective. With the time-out the child is away from you. With a time-in you do the exact opposite. Your child remains close to you, or in your lap to allow the child to feel safe and deescalate.

While on the surface it may seem that you are rewarding your child for negative behavior the positive emotional impact of a time-in can help the child heal from trauma. Most times our kids act out because they have feelings they cannot put into words. They are trying to elevate stress in the only way they know how.

A time-in is not used as a punishment, but rather as a way to help the child feel safe. You have the child sit next to you or within eye sight of you. Give the child some toys to play with or some books to read and “check in” with the child every ten to fifteen minutes or so. Tell your child that you are there, whisper “I love you” or some other similar sentiment, ask how the child is doing or whatever method will let your child know that you are checking in.

Watch for trauma signs in your child if you are currently using a time-out technique. If you see the negative behaviors increasing at the mention of a time-out, trying changing techniques and see if things change.

Parents Can Keep Siblings Healthy While Treating Children Who Have RAD

By Kelly Prey

From Connections: National ATTACh Newsletter

Children who have Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) often command nearly every

ounce of a family's emotional and financial resources. All too often, the other children in

the home get less of these resources than they need. These siblings may begin to act out

themselves. Or they may simply withdraw. But no matter what their response, you can be

sure that they are angry.

It may be easy to explain, logically, that the child who has RAD needs extra time and

attention until he is healthier. And, while the siblings may even understand this logic, it

doesn't soothe the persistent feeling inside that they are getting seriously ripped off. But

there are some things you can do to help keep these children healthy while living with a

child who has RAD.

"I recommend that parents be honest with all the children in the home about the

attachment disordered child's background," said Connie Hornyak, LCSW, clinical

director of Attachment Center West in Santa Ana, CA. "It can really help the siblings

keep in touch with some empathy for the child," she said.

"It's also important to help the siblings feel safe," said Hornyak. "This can reduce their

anger. Put locks on their doors, phones in their rooms, and an alarm on the door of the

child who has RAD." Hornyak also recommends protecting the siblings' possessions by

not allowing the child with attachment disorder to use them.

But, according to Hornyak, in addition to trying to reduce the sibling's anger, it's also

important to validate it. "Parents should talk to their healthy children about their own

anger surrounding the problems their child who has RAD is facing, and encourage their

other children to express their anger about the impact RAD has had on their lives as

well."

Hornyak also recommends that parents spend one-on-one time with each child, giving

them as many "normal" experiences as possible. Parents should also be sure to positively

reinforce the siblings' good behavior with rewards from time to time. "You don't want

them to see negative behaviors being rewarded with attention, and good behavior not

getting any reward at all," said Hornyak.

"I don't think it's helpful to put healthy kids in the situation of having friends over and

being stressed out about what they might be subjected to," said Hornyak. "Instead, have

them invite their friends over to camp out in a tent in the back yard, assuming you can

keep the child who has RAD inside. Or, better yet, put the child who has RAD in respite

for a week-end, so the other siblings can have a worry-free sleepover."

Hornyak encourages parents to help their healthy children have as much of a social life as

possible, even if it means spending time with other families. Hornyak also advises

finding a more formal outside support system for siblings, one in which they can express

their anger and embarrassment over their attachment disordered sibling's behavior.

But, while it's important to meet the sibling's needs separately, it's also important to

create some family unity. "Parents should be clear that the family includes everyone, as

opposed to dividing the family into 'us' and 'the child who has RAD'," she said. "Find

activities that help unite the family, such as developing a family crest or family slogan, or

working on photo albums together."

While growing up in a home with a child who has RAD is certainly a unique experience,

and definitely involves some challenges, it can also significantly impact the healthy

siblings' lives in a positive way, especially if the sibling who has RAD came from an

abusive and/or neglectful birth home.

"Siblings of children who have RAD learn to have empathy for those less fortunate than

themselves. They often better appreciate their families; having learned about the

attachment disordered child's birth family. And they're often more socially competent

than their peers," said Hornyak. "Each of the family members and each of the

relationships needs to be healthy for the family to be healthy".

If you have concerns about the siblings, talk to the therapist and/or request some sessions

for them.

Effects on the Family of a RAD Child

• Dreams of the perfect loving, caring family are squashed. There is no such thing as perfect family, but a RAD family can become quite dysfunctional.
• A RAD child will play one parent off the other, which could result in a rift between parents.
• Siblings often feel ignored or overlooked as the RAD child takes up so much of the parent’s time. Schedule, daily or weekly, one-on-one quality time for each child in the family.
• Friends, family, church members become critical of parenting and attitude.
• Due to child’s disruptive behaviour, parents often withdraw from social functions.
• Siblings and pets can often be targeted and threatened. It is extremely important for RAD children to have their own room - for their own good as well as the safety of siblings.
• Family events, like Christmas, can be filled with anger and frustration due to RAD behaviour.
• Parents appear to be unfair, strict and sometimes hostile, as parenting skills used with healthy children do not work with RAD children.

Polish Stew (comfort food)

And at the end of a LONG day with your kids or your RADling - try some comfort food of a nice hearty Stew!!

Polish Stew (crock pot meal)
1 1/2lb polska kiebasa polish sausage (sometime I use 2lbs)
2 med onions cut
4 med potatoes
4 c sauerkraut drained
1 can cream of celery soup
1/2 cup brown sugar
1 cup monteray jack cheese

Cut sausage into 1/2" cubes, cut onion, dice potatoes. Layer food wiht potatoes on bottom, then sausage then onions. Place into a crockpot on LOW. Mix sauerkraut, soup and brown sugar, pour over items in crockpot. Cook for 8-9 hours until potatoes are done (mine about 8 1/2 hours), then add cheese and serve. XOXOXOXOXOXO!

Control Continued

Yes, we have to be strict. We have to be diligent. We have to root out "normal" kid behavior from self destructive RAD behavior. And its exhausting. And if we appear to the outside world as crazy strict parents its cause we are. For everyone - ourselves and our kids. RAD is a constant parent child struggle with little or no parental benefit. Because with healthy children the cuddle factor is always in play at the end of a bad day. A RAD kid would rather be punished than hugged.

RAD kids has months-years where they were not in control. Their basic needs were not met. They needed, and they were neglected. Therefore trust is non existant and ever little life need is a game to test the caregiver. Alot of RAD kids instigate conflict on purpose because conflict is where they feel most safe. They want the caregiver to be as mad on the outside as they are on the inside. In addition, the RAD kid is testing the caregiver to see if they can make the caregiver "hate" them with their actions becuase they internally hate themselves.

Reactive Attachment Disorder is a very real illness. Children with Reactive Attachment Disorder are reacting to events in their early life that may include neglect, abuse, or something more subtle (see causes below). Due to these events, many children are unable to attach to a primary caregiver and go through the normal development that children must go through in order to function in relationships. My explanation is somewhat simplified but may be helpful to you. It does not replace a diagnosis from an attachment therapist.

In the first two years of life, children go through healthy attachment cycles - the first year and second year attachment cycles. A healthy first year attachment cycle looks like this:

As the baby has a need and signals that need by crying, the mother (primary caregiver) comes and soothes her baby and meets his needs. If this cycle is repeated over and over again and the baby's needs are consistently met in the proper way by the same caregiver, the baby often learns to trust. He will then be able to continue on in his development. Now, take a look at the disturbed attachment cycle:

As you compare the Healthy Attachment Cycle to the Disturbed Attachment Cycle, you can see how the baby has a need, cries, but this time, the need is not met by his mother (primary caregiver). Sometimes, the need is met but it is inconsistent, or there are different caregivers who are not attuned to this particular baby. Sometimes the baby's cries go unanswered as in the case of neglect or the baby's cries are met with a slap as in the case of physical abuse. Whatever the cause, the baby's needs are not met in a consistent, appropriate way. (See Potential Causes)

Instead of learning to trust as the baby who experiences the Healthy Attachment Cycle, this baby learns that the world is an unsafe place, that he must take care of himself, that he can trust no one to meet his needs. He learns that he cannot depend on adults. Instead of trust developing, rage develops and is internalized. He learns that he must be in charge of his life for his very survival. Is it any wonder that a child with reactive attachment disorder feels the need to be in control? He thinks his very life depends on it.

If the child has been able to successfully go through the Healthy Attachment Cycle during his first year of life, then he most likely will be able to go through the next which is the Second Year Secure Attachment Cycle:

It is only by going through this Second Year Secure Attachment Cycle that the child will ever be able to learn to accept limits on his behavior. It is by going through these two attachment cycles - the Healthy Attachment Cycle in the first year and then the Second Year Secure Attachment Cycle - that the child learns to trust, engage in reciprocity, to regulate his emotions. It is back there that he starts to develop a conscience, self- esteem, empathy, the foundations for logical thinking are laid down, etc. The breakdown of these two attachment cycles will damage all of the relationships he has for the rest of his life unless interventions are made.

When the first cycle breaks down, the child cannot do the second year. To expect the child to function as a typical child when his normal development was completely stunted back in infant/toddlerhood is not rational. We must take them back and help them redo these steps.

Control

As a parent of a RAD kid, do you have to be so strict? The compulsive need of the RAD child to control everyone and everything in her environment is an effort to feel safe. To this end, she will be very manipulative. Her misbehavior is intended to prove that no one is strong enough to control her, yet when she is allowed to succeed, it reinforces her fear that no one is strong enough to keep her safe. If we are strict with our daughter, it is to prove to her that we are strong enough to keep her safe. A child who has no empathy or appreciation of cause and effect requires structure. This not only keeps her (and everyone else) safe, but it helps her to learn that actions have consequences.

German Black Forest Cake

1 (21 oz.) can cherry pie filling

1 (8 ½ oz.) can crushed pineapple, undrained

1 cup almonds

1 ½ cups semisweet chocolate morsels

1 cup flaked coconut

1 (18.25 oz.) box of chocolate cake mix

½ cup butter

Cool Whip as topping

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease 13x9 baking dish.

Pour the cherry pie filling into the prepared dish and spread evenly.

Mix pineapple, almonds, chocolate morsels, coconut, cake mix and butter.  Pour over cherry pie filling in dish.

Cover with foil and bake 30 minutes. Remove foil and bake 20 minutes longer.

The Bath

The Bath (11/20/10) by T. Sandel

Last night I pretended that I was pregnant
still
or again
or at last
I poured a tall bath, not too hot,
and lit all the candles
and added rose oil for strength.
With a big sigh
I lay back and studied my belly
imagining my body more special than it is
for holding something more than I am.
I cried salty tears
dripping into the water
for my lost babies who are still here
healthy and whole
but so much bigger and stronger, mobile and articulate
that it’s not enough anymore to sit and hold them while they sleep.
I wept for babies lost
whom we never got to hold, too
Jolene’s, Nicole’s, and Stephen’s twin
all the babies that tried in Julie’s body before Kaelen took root
with his signature tenacity
all the love for those sweethearts that had to be diverted or swallowed too quick.
But I smile to remember more babies we got to keep
mine and yours that you let me hold and admire
in the grocery store and at ball games,
at the babies we all once were
when other, older women celebrated
our weight gain, and hair growth, and changes in teeth.
if I’d started earlier
I think I might be a woman who keeps having babies
until she can’t afford them
in money or spirit
I’d take my brood of 8 to the ice cream shop
lined up in hand-me-down clothes
ever so polite
I’d home school them for the pure fact that I couldn’t keep up with their homework
and notes and schedules otherwise
and they would so honor thy mother!
But that’s pretend, and the reality is exceptionally good
two boys on the cusp –
intelligent, funny, and generous, sweet
asking if they can join me in the tub now
hinting at a massage later
or some chocolate,
or maybe a trip to that ice cream shop.
the truth is in my floating bones,
woman bones that feel and see and know
beyond scientific proof:
my bones know that “all I could ever be, I already am”
that pregnant before or pregnant never,
my body is a rocking temple
of fire and joy running over
for all our babies, our men,
our beautiful girls of every age
and that my mother-job is to cherish me a little
 just as I am
to love us all.

Surviving Mother's Day

by Kim from Michigan

The month of May brings warm sunny days, flowers, and Mother's Day. Under normal circumstances these would all be wonderful things. Normal, as you know, is not in the vocabulary of many adoptive families. This is especially true for a family who has a Reactive Attachment Disordered (RAD) child who is in the process of healing. Even with the extreme efforts and sacrifices of super Moms who love these kids and are trying to help them trust, RAD kids struggle to see that things can be different from what they once knew. I have yet to have a RAD mom tell me she had a terrific Mother's Day, one she will always remember. One where the child was thankful for the opportunity to get such an awesome mom and was able to properly show Mom how much she is appreciated. This is something I am sure we all dream about and deserve at least a hundred fold.

Well I have a few thoughts on this subject that I would like to share, born out of several miserable Mother's Days myself. I have great hope that they can work for you also. Although I cannot say I had an awesome Mother's Day, I can say it was not ruined. I can also say I have great hope for the future. I began thinking in earnest about why these children feel the need to ruin the day for their adoptive Mothers. I concluded the following three reasons, although I am sure there are others. Many of these children feel they are betraying their Birth Mom. Many do not understand yet what a Mom is supposed to mean to a child. Others view their Adoptive Mom as the reason why they can't be with their Birth Mom. Any of these reasons would logically crush any hope for a fulfilling Mother's Day for an Adoptive Mom. There is also no doubt a tremendous sense of loss for adopted children about this holiday.

My idea was created in an effort to ease the loss and to give our child back something she felt cheated out of. I created a Mother's Day Eve. This is a day set aside to REMEMBER her Birth Mother. I use the word remember because it may not be a celebration for the children, after all they are not with their Birth Moms for a reason.

You'll have to fine tune the concept to fit your own family environment and issues, but this is how my family remembers Mother's Day Eve. The remembrance basically centers around a dinner together. It is the attention to the details that set it aside from any other ordinary day though. To start, it is important to treat this as a very special day. Give it the same care and attention you would as if it was for your own family. Several days before the event, our child picks out the entire dinner menu, including a cake mix and frosting. If time allows, we take her grocery shopping for the items. We bake the cake portion together during the afternoon of the Eve. Our daughter is then allowed to decorate the cake anyway she sees fit. The menu portion and cake are excellent mediums for her to express how she is feeling on the inside. Go with the flow and consult your therapist if any requests are unsettling.

Be careful not to make children feel their ideas are bad. Our first experience turned into an art therapy session for drugs and alcohol. Our child let color direct the palette - the color of drugs and alcohol in her Birth Mom's body. Let me tell you it was very gross AND very healing. While preparing the food, we put out the fine linens and good dishes. We then place a picture of our daughter's Birth Mom (ask the children to draw a picture of what they think she looks like if photo is unavailable) on the table as the centerpiece with maybe a decoration she makes during the day.

At dinner, we toast the Birth Mom and thank her for bringing (child's name) into this world. At the completion of the meal, we clear the table together and then sit down to make Mother's Day cards for her Birth Mom. We all make them individually. Again I think it is a great way for our child to express her feelings artistically. Don't be upset or surprised if anger or sadness comes out. It is all part of the healing process. The way I figure it is, if she is getting feelings out, it is called progress. It's all that stuffing her feelings and being stuck that causes all the problems anyway.

Our family shares what we each write on the cards afterwards. This sharing helps validate our daughter's feelings and helps us as parents understand what her thought processes and fantasies are. We then gather up all the cards and place them in a special keepsake box that she keeps in her possession. Sometimes we let the cards sit out over night on the table. This is our daughter's preference. Sometimes she is not ready to bring the day to closure. The acknowledgement of our daughter's Birth Mom seemed to free up our daughter emotionally to not ruin the actual holiday. Remembering on Mother's Day Eve gave her an opportunity to do something she felt she had lost the right to do. It also seems to have aided in the healing and acceptance for her, her Birth Mom, and our current family.

We currently practice this concept with all the holidays. We have had great success with preserving the actual holiday. Now that's not to say we have not had awful moments due to our daughter feeling like she does not deserve goodness and presents. However, this seems to have taken the steam out of it being against us as the adoptive parents. After our first experience I thought to myself, how wonderfully accepting for our child to feel like she can have parts of both families with her. After all, we cannot erase her past and her connections to another family. Accepting that part of her life and helping her stay connected in a healthy way is a great gift unto her and our selves. I wish you all the best in trying this idea out.

Help Mom Feel Special on Mother's Day

Those of us who have given our whole heart and soul to heal adoptive and Reactive Attachment Disordered (RAD) children know that many of these kids are unable to give their Mom's the kind of Mother's Day she deserves. Mother's Day Eve (a previous idea) may assist in keeping them from ruining the day, but the Mom is still not going to get the kind of day she deserves. Until you have actually lived with one of these children, you cannot possibly imagine how radically a Mom's life changes. The sole focus of a Mom's life becomes the goal of healing the child. Here in lies the danger because the child's objective is to push the Mom away and make her feel everything the child does.

These Moms need a lot of help. They need support and reminders of how awesome they really are in order to carry out their new role in life. The RAD Mom especially is not celebrated by the child on Mother's Day, as is the custom in a healthy relationship between mother and child. Instead these moms have to take their gifts of joy from moments when progress is made in the form of a particularly horrible behavior that stops (and we all pray is not replaced with another). Progress can be made when, on rare occasions, genuine emotions are expressed. Perhaps when love and logic parenting works, and children begin to learn from their mistakes and don't repeatedly commit the same offense over and over again. Maybe it is when the children finally begin to care about something that gives parents some leverage (this is a two fold reward). Progress could be when parents can pay a compliment to their children without getting a pay back for it. How about when they begin to accept responsibility for their own happiness because they realize they are not bad and that they do deserve a great life. These are joys a RAD mom waits along time to get however. She does not get the daily, weekly and even monthly rewards of hugs and kisses and meaningful thank you's and I love you's.

There is no such thing as a great Mother's Day for a Mom who lives with a RAD child in the process of healing. These children are simply not capable of reciprocal behavior. They do not know how to show love and appreciation. They after all are still just trying to survive. They only know how to drain a Mom beyond belief. They are strictly takers. They do not give back. There in lies the toughest part of the job for a Mom because she does not get back on a regular basis for all her hard work and commitment. The rewards come very slowly over months and years.

As a parent of RAD children, I know I need a lot of encouragement, shared perspective, and support to keep a healthy parenting attitude towards my children. I urge all of you who are around one of these Mom's to take extra care in letting her know what a great Mom she is and that the commitment that she is making to heal the damaged soul of a child is a great gift unto all of us. Show her she is appreciated by sending flowers or a card, make dinner, do her laundry, give massage gift certificates or up lifting books. Do things that help her keep something she is interested in, something she no longer has time for, such as tending her garden, buying scrap book supplies and offering to help or cooking magazines for the gourmet. This can help minimize the losses she feels.

Other ideas can be, surprising her with a morning break of coffee and bagels, going grocery shopping for her, or buying soft relaxing music, scented body soaps and lotions. And don't under estimate the power of a hug. Consider anything that eases her burdens and provides momentary joy. These Mom's sacrifices are tremendous and in order for them to continue in this often thankless and isolating job they NEED to feel lots and lots of loving support around them on Mother's Day and through out the year.

Resources for RAD

Just a quick note with some resources for RAD. Background - my husband and I adopted twins from Bulgaria in 2006. They were 26 months old and had been neglected in the orphanage. Not by any part of the orphanages fault - understaffed, overworked, low on money, ex-Communist country with a currancy losing power in Europe and a government trying to rebuild. It was just what happened.

Did we know about RAD when we adopted the twins? Nope. Would we have changed our minds had we known about RAD when adopting them? Nope. Have we learned ALOT about RAD and continue to learn more all the time. Yep.

We use TheraPlay with the twins. Pete has had more extensive therapy than Pavel has but we think that is soon to change. The older they get the more significant their issues seem to become apparent. We like the concepts and just began "brushing" this week (more on that to come). I will be able to comment more when I understand it more and have seen how it may help Pete.

For now, it was a LONG and HARD day with a less than fairytail ending for the RAD twins. But they are lovingly tucked into bed with kisses, blankets and about a billion stuffed animals so its time for the parental wind-down with a rented movie. Thanks for reading.

http://birthtothreetherapies.com/
http://theraplay.org/8400.html
http://aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/reactive_attachment_disorder

Speak to us of Children

And a woman, who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your lvoe but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls swell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

The Phophet, Kahlil Gibran

Parenting is difficult enough without the diagnosis of RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) on top of it. Just figuring out what a child needs in general is exhausting but then figuring out what a RAD kid needs is figuratively impossible. Yah, there are guidelines and books and the how-to of raising a RAD kid. But as every parent knows -- no kid fits into a stereotypical mold. So, this is how Tammy and I are dealing with our RAD kids. By sharing. Sharing what works for us and what doesn't. What we've tried, what we want to try-- our successes and failures. If you have a kid w/ RAD stay tuned. Tammy and I are full of resources. If you are parent who just needs and outlet stay tuned. This will be a heartfelt, humorous (if you don't laugh you might cry) and sometimes truly sad story. But its Parenting so anything goes, right?

The most important meal of the day

Quick breakfast ideas:

•  Whole wheat toast or bagels with peanut butter and raisins on top of either for added flavor.
• Make waffles Sunday morning and freeze the leftovers. You can pop ‘em in the toaster and go.
• Have you ever tried a tortilla for breakfast? Wrap up cold turkey and cheese, grab an apple and you’re on your way.
• Don’t forget cold cereal. We’re not talking about those covered with sugar, but the healthy variety. Items such as Wheaties and Cheerios are always good choices.
• Whole-egg or egg white omelets with fresh or frozen veggies.
• Make a shake or a smoothie. Blend fruit and yogurt and then drink it in the car. A side option is a small bag of finger foods, such as a mixture of granola and grapes.

What is RAD?

Lack of Affection and its effect on children (An excerpt of “Living With RAD”)

A baby is born. It is taken to the mother who has, let's say, bi-polar disorder. She has not sought help for her disorder but uses drugs and alcohol to self medicate.  She looks at the baby and turns away. When asked if she wants to hold the baby she says no. When asked if she is going to breast feed she turns up her nose and says "No. Give him a bottle." They arrive home to chaos. They baby has no crib but is laid in a dirty play pen in the corner. Loud music blaring, smoke in the air, many people coming and going.  Mom begins to party with her friends. The baby has a bottle propped in its mouth now and then and is changed when the smell is bad enough. As a toddler the baby is hit when it cries and shoved out of the way. Men come and go from mom’s life. Some are ok. Some are abusive. Perhaps sexually.  Social Services come and remove the preschooler from his home and put him in foster care. By this time the preschool age child is flipping people off and dropping the f bomb freely. He has seen porn, watched his mom have sex with various men and perhaps had to do so himself.  The first foster home can't handle his behaviors so he is moved. The second foster home has to move to another town, so he is moved. The third foster home has a foster child who sexually abuses him behind closed doors......  and then the child is adopted.

He has reactive attachment disorder (RAD). This is no child in particular but many children fit this description.

Another child is born. His parents can't wait to hold him and look into his eyes. He is told how much he is loved. He is kept clean. His cries are answered by loving words and kind eyes. He is held. He is cherished. His first steps are greeted with cheers and video cameras. He is read too. He has grandparents who hug him and smother him with kisses. He is lovingly disciplined. He is gently potty trained. His parents may not have much money but he knows he is loved. He is a confident happy preschooler ready for his first day of preschool.

Attachment to our primary caregiver makes all the difference in the world as to how our brains work. Attachment makes us feel loved and safe. It gives us the ability to trust. Our children have been hurt. We must give them structure, love, safety.  Never lose sight of the amount of hurt and damage neglect did to their brains as babies. They are so scared and it comes off as anger. Inside is a frightened little child who needs to learn to love.

Never, never, never quit.

Welcome!

Welcome to our b-l-o-g. We are Jen and Tammy. Friends from junior high – that’s what it was called back then. Life lead us in different directions and ~ a decade and a half past high school we reconnected.

Infertility, adoption, raising children, raising multiple children, raising children with a history of traumatic experiences, cooking (Jen rocks this area), chauffeuring, volunteering, school, extracurricular activities, employment, SAHM, husbands, families, shopping, pedicures and a smidge of booze plus a TON of humor get us through our day-to-day lives.

Here we’ll share our stories, both good and bad, as everyone has their good and bad days. We hope you’ll comment, share your tales and join in our general support of one another – mama to mama.