saturday and routine

Welcome to Saturday. For most people Saturday is a whoo-hoo-no-work-gonna-tackle-that-weekend-project kinda day. For us its different. Why? Cause its saturday. Its not a routine day. For our RADlings and most RAD kids routine is key. Routine is calming and Routine is necessary. For 5 days a week they get up, eat, brush their teeth, get dressed (clothes are layed out M-F so they know where to go for their outfits), and go to school. School is very - well - routine and its OK. Then home, play, snack, homework, movie, dinner, play, showers, reading, and bed. Whew. Done. And ROUTINE. With a RADling they need control and certainity. The Monday-Friday routine gives them that control, that "I know what's going to happen today" sence of peace. Then, here comes Saturday.

For us it begins when the RADlings see Daddy is still home and sleeping. For most kids this would be a great opportunity to jump on daddy, wake him up and play. For us you can almost see the look of concern on their faces. Uh, oh. Daddys home. Its not a work/school day. Its Saturday (dum, dum, dum - that was scary movie music). This is sad on two levels- #1 it sets off the RADling for a possible bad day. #2- its upsetting to the parents to not have that giant pillow fight in bed on Saturday morning that could be a whole heckuva lotta fun.

We have to spend our Saturday looking out for RAD behaviors; overstimulation, fighting, provoking sibilings, breaking toys, wetting themselves, etc. Its not all-comsuming but its not actually fun either. We still get our Saturday on. We still get our errands run, our groceries bought, our yard tended too. But there is a nagging voice at the back of our heads making sure that the RADling is getting what they need to have a good-day.

We can lay out the Saturday plan on a chart and tell the RADling over and over what is going to happen but it never sinks in. Its not a M-F kinda feel (which for most of us is "aaaaahhhhh") so explaining it over and over and over and over - well its kinda pointless.

I just wanted to give a little post from the heart. In this one there was no quotes, no charts, and no internet fact finding. It was just me saying "its saturday".

Post Adoption Depression

by Cate from Gathered from Afar

If you are new to our story, you may not know that we longed for 7 years to be parents and the last 33 months of that was just in waiting for our daughters to come home. During that ridiculously long “pregnancy,” I read every adoption book I could get my hands on. I was an expert (well, a head-knowledge expert) on all things transition and attachment. We had prepared the best we could for any challenges and hoped and prayed for the best. One of my most fascinating reads was on post-partum in adopting mothers.

In my experiences up until then, I sure had a lot of the same emotion as a pregnant mom. At one point, based off of a weird picture and an even weirder dream, I contacted the orphanage contacts to make sure Ada had arms. I thought, though, most of it must be in my head. How could that be possible? My body chemistry wasn’t changing. Or was it? Time and again, I hear from other adopting moms that their journey emotionally and sometimes even physically feels like a pregnancy (emotional ups and downs, weight gain, etc). It is just that that pregnancy has no due date and can last for not just months, but years. The emotional strain seems almost impossible at times. I and others were finding experiences to mimic biological journeys but I didn’t understand why.

Then, after hearing Karyn Purvis speak at a conference, it started to make sense. She was talking about changes in the mother’s brain when things happen like nursing or the momma wearing her baby. The bumping of the baby against her chest, changed her internal chemistry and allowed her to connect to the child. You don’t have to have a baby growing inside of you for your brain to prepare and react to a child in your care. The way God made us to engage and connect and attach to others is so remarkable. I could see the benefits for the baby feeling safe and cared for, but the Mom? Amazing.

An adopting mother’s heart does not just mimic a biological pregnancy. For the Moms that walk the adoption journey, they are also susceptible to post-partum. . .or in this case, adoption. . . depression. For those outside of that journey it may seem incredulous. But the studies are astonishing. Not only can we have post-partum, but it can last longer than a bio mom’s and be very intense, especially if you adopt an older child, which also makes sense. My girls, for example, didn’t come home with soft newborn cries and snuggles in Moby wraps. They came home with toddler tantrums and opinions and orphanage behaviors. They were little people with lots (and lots and lots) of pre-me baggage. There were no warm fuzzy memories from her babyhood to hold on to when my child was raging. It can be very hard.

I think knowing about it is half the battle. In a pregnancy, if you know that post-partum can happen to anyone and what it looks like, you won’t feel crazy if it hits you. You won’t feel like a horrible mom. You won’t feel alone. You will get help if you need it. Hopefully, if are adopting or have adopted, and didn’t know about PAD, now you will and you won’t feel isolated on top of overwhelmed and lost and even how to minister to your husband if you or he gets PAD. 

Time-in vs. Time-out

Most parents are familiar with the time-out concept. You put your child on a chair or some other area away from you for a set amount of time as a discipline technique.

For most kids this is effective, but in traumatized children it can have a negative effect. Some of our children have been neglected and sending them to their rooms or other area for a time out can aggravate feelings of abandonment or neglect. This can trip a trauma trigger in your child and cause the behaviors you are trying to avoid to become worse.

In children with these issues, using a time-in may be more effective. With the time-out the child is away from you. With a time-in you do the exact opposite. Your child remains close to you, or in your lap to allow the child to feel safe and deescalate.

While on the surface it may seem that you are rewarding your child for negative behavior the positive emotional impact of a time-in can help the child heal from trauma. Most times our kids act out because they have feelings they cannot put into words. They are trying to elevate stress in the only way they know how.

A time-in is not used as a punishment, but rather as a way to help the child feel safe. You have the child sit next to you or within eye sight of you. Give the child some toys to play with or some books to read and “check in” with the child every ten to fifteen minutes or so. Tell your child that you are there, whisper “I love you” or some other similar sentiment, ask how the child is doing or whatever method will let your child know that you are checking in.

Watch for trauma signs in your child if you are currently using a time-out technique. If you see the negative behaviors increasing at the mention of a time-out, trying changing techniques and see if things change.

Parents Can Keep Siblings Healthy While Treating Children Who Have RAD

By Kelly Prey

From Connections: National ATTACh Newsletter

Children who have Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) often command nearly every

ounce of a family's emotional and financial resources. All too often, the other children in

the home get less of these resources than they need. These siblings may begin to act out

themselves. Or they may simply withdraw. But no matter what their response, you can be

sure that they are angry.

It may be easy to explain, logically, that the child who has RAD needs extra time and

attention until he is healthier. And, while the siblings may even understand this logic, it

doesn't soothe the persistent feeling inside that they are getting seriously ripped off. But

there are some things you can do to help keep these children healthy while living with a

child who has RAD.

"I recommend that parents be honest with all the children in the home about the

attachment disordered child's background," said Connie Hornyak, LCSW, clinical

director of Attachment Center West in Santa Ana, CA. "It can really help the siblings

keep in touch with some empathy for the child," she said.

"It's also important to help the siblings feel safe," said Hornyak. "This can reduce their

anger. Put locks on their doors, phones in their rooms, and an alarm on the door of the

child who has RAD." Hornyak also recommends protecting the siblings' possessions by

not allowing the child with attachment disorder to use them.

But, according to Hornyak, in addition to trying to reduce the sibling's anger, it's also

important to validate it. "Parents should talk to their healthy children about their own

anger surrounding the problems their child who has RAD is facing, and encourage their

other children to express their anger about the impact RAD has had on their lives as

well."

Hornyak also recommends that parents spend one-on-one time with each child, giving

them as many "normal" experiences as possible. Parents should also be sure to positively

reinforce the siblings' good behavior with rewards from time to time. "You don't want

them to see negative behaviors being rewarded with attention, and good behavior not

getting any reward at all," said Hornyak.

"I don't think it's helpful to put healthy kids in the situation of having friends over and

being stressed out about what they might be subjected to," said Hornyak. "Instead, have

them invite their friends over to camp out in a tent in the back yard, assuming you can

keep the child who has RAD inside. Or, better yet, put the child who has RAD in respite

for a week-end, so the other siblings can have a worry-free sleepover."

Hornyak encourages parents to help their healthy children have as much of a social life as

possible, even if it means spending time with other families. Hornyak also advises

finding a more formal outside support system for siblings, one in which they can express

their anger and embarrassment over their attachment disordered sibling's behavior.

But, while it's important to meet the sibling's needs separately, it's also important to

create some family unity. "Parents should be clear that the family includes everyone, as

opposed to dividing the family into 'us' and 'the child who has RAD'," she said. "Find

activities that help unite the family, such as developing a family crest or family slogan, or

working on photo albums together."

While growing up in a home with a child who has RAD is certainly a unique experience,

and definitely involves some challenges, it can also significantly impact the healthy

siblings' lives in a positive way, especially if the sibling who has RAD came from an

abusive and/or neglectful birth home.

"Siblings of children who have RAD learn to have empathy for those less fortunate than

themselves. They often better appreciate their families; having learned about the

attachment disordered child's birth family. And they're often more socially competent

than their peers," said Hornyak. "Each of the family members and each of the

relationships needs to be healthy for the family to be healthy".

If you have concerns about the siblings, talk to the therapist and/or request some sessions

for them.

Effects on the Family of a RAD Child

• Dreams of the perfect loving, caring family are squashed. There is no such thing as perfect family, but a RAD family can become quite dysfunctional.
• A RAD child will play one parent off the other, which could result in a rift between parents.
• Siblings often feel ignored or overlooked as the RAD child takes up so much of the parent’s time. Schedule, daily or weekly, one-on-one quality time for each child in the family.
• Friends, family, church members become critical of parenting and attitude.
• Due to child’s disruptive behaviour, parents often withdraw from social functions.
• Siblings and pets can often be targeted and threatened. It is extremely important for RAD children to have their own room - for their own good as well as the safety of siblings.
• Family events, like Christmas, can be filled with anger and frustration due to RAD behaviour.
• Parents appear to be unfair, strict and sometimes hostile, as parenting skills used with healthy children do not work with RAD children.

Polish Stew (comfort food)

And at the end of a LONG day with your kids or your RADling - try some comfort food of a nice hearty Stew!!

Polish Stew (crock pot meal)
1 1/2lb polska kiebasa polish sausage (sometime I use 2lbs)
2 med onions cut
4 med potatoes
4 c sauerkraut drained
1 can cream of celery soup
1/2 cup brown sugar
1 cup monteray jack cheese

Cut sausage into 1/2" cubes, cut onion, dice potatoes. Layer food wiht potatoes on bottom, then sausage then onions. Place into a crockpot on LOW. Mix sauerkraut, soup and brown sugar, pour over items in crockpot. Cook for 8-9 hours until potatoes are done (mine about 8 1/2 hours), then add cheese and serve. XOXOXOXOXOXO!

Control Continued

Yes, we have to be strict. We have to be diligent. We have to root out "normal" kid behavior from self destructive RAD behavior. And its exhausting. And if we appear to the outside world as crazy strict parents its cause we are. For everyone - ourselves and our kids. RAD is a constant parent child struggle with little or no parental benefit. Because with healthy children the cuddle factor is always in play at the end of a bad day. A RAD kid would rather be punished than hugged.

RAD kids has months-years where they were not in control. Their basic needs were not met. They needed, and they were neglected. Therefore trust is non existant and ever little life need is a game to test the caregiver. Alot of RAD kids instigate conflict on purpose because conflict is where they feel most safe. They want the caregiver to be as mad on the outside as they are on the inside. In addition, the RAD kid is testing the caregiver to see if they can make the caregiver "hate" them with their actions becuase they internally hate themselves.

Reactive Attachment Disorder is a very real illness. Children with Reactive Attachment Disorder are reacting to events in their early life that may include neglect, abuse, or something more subtle (see causes below). Due to these events, many children are unable to attach to a primary caregiver and go through the normal development that children must go through in order to function in relationships. My explanation is somewhat simplified but may be helpful to you. It does not replace a diagnosis from an attachment therapist.

In the first two years of life, children go through healthy attachment cycles - the first year and second year attachment cycles. A healthy first year attachment cycle looks like this:

As the baby has a need and signals that need by crying, the mother (primary caregiver) comes and soothes her baby and meets his needs. If this cycle is repeated over and over again and the baby's needs are consistently met in the proper way by the same caregiver, the baby often learns to trust. He will then be able to continue on in his development. Now, take a look at the disturbed attachment cycle:

As you compare the Healthy Attachment Cycle to the Disturbed Attachment Cycle, you can see how the baby has a need, cries, but this time, the need is not met by his mother (primary caregiver). Sometimes, the need is met but it is inconsistent, or there are different caregivers who are not attuned to this particular baby. Sometimes the baby's cries go unanswered as in the case of neglect or the baby's cries are met with a slap as in the case of physical abuse. Whatever the cause, the baby's needs are not met in a consistent, appropriate way. (See Potential Causes)

Instead of learning to trust as the baby who experiences the Healthy Attachment Cycle, this baby learns that the world is an unsafe place, that he must take care of himself, that he can trust no one to meet his needs. He learns that he cannot depend on adults. Instead of trust developing, rage develops and is internalized. He learns that he must be in charge of his life for his very survival. Is it any wonder that a child with reactive attachment disorder feels the need to be in control? He thinks his very life depends on it.

If the child has been able to successfully go through the Healthy Attachment Cycle during his first year of life, then he most likely will be able to go through the next which is the Second Year Secure Attachment Cycle:

It is only by going through this Second Year Secure Attachment Cycle that the child will ever be able to learn to accept limits on his behavior. It is by going through these two attachment cycles - the Healthy Attachment Cycle in the first year and then the Second Year Secure Attachment Cycle - that the child learns to trust, engage in reciprocity, to regulate his emotions. It is back there that he starts to develop a conscience, self- esteem, empathy, the foundations for logical thinking are laid down, etc. The breakdown of these two attachment cycles will damage all of the relationships he has for the rest of his life unless interventions are made.

When the first cycle breaks down, the child cannot do the second year. To expect the child to function as a typical child when his normal development was completely stunted back in infant/toddlerhood is not rational. We must take them back and help them redo these steps.