by Anna Glendenning
Reactive Attachment Disorder, RAD is one of those things other people don't really notice. The reactive part is usually seen and felt the most by the primary caregiver--or the mom in most cases. What a RAD Mom needs the most is support from others in ways you may have never thought of.
1. A RAD Mom needs help teaching her child with Reactive Attachment Disorder that mom's are in charge of taking good care of their children. And that their mom is a good mom who takes care of her children.
2. A RAD Mom needs friends who don't hug her RAD Child. The best way to help a family dealing with a child who has reactive attachment disorder is to help the child learn to get his or her hugs for mom and dad. The same is true for other intimate things the child might want to do, like sit on laps or give you a neck rub.
3. A RAD Mom needs friends who can support how we respond to our child. No matter what the situation looks like the parents need to be considered the ones in charge especially when it comes to discipline.
4. A RAD Mom needs people who have suggestions, ideas or criticism to talk to us privately when our child is not around. Triangulation is a natural behavior for children with Reactive Attachment Disorder and questioning the parents in front of the child empowers the child.
5. A RAD Mom needs friends who don't fall into the trap of hearing the child say, "I wish you were my mom, you are much better then the one I got." Children with Reactive Attachment Disorder often shop for new, improved and better parents.
6. A RAD Mom needs an occasional hour to take a shower or paint her toe nails. A great way to be supportive to someone who is parenting a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder is to offer her a break once in awhile. Even if it's just to come over and supervise the child while mom gets a break.
7. A RAD Mom needs time alone with a RAD Dad. Often one of the most important things parents of children with emotional or mental health disorders are told they need is respite. Families who adopt children from the foster care system often receive adoption subsidy funds for respite care. RAD parents need a regular break, but they also need a respite provider who can deal with the issues of a special needs child.
8. A RAD Mom needs friends who can remind her about why and how it came about that she is the mother of a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder. We need to be reminded that our child came to us this way and that the best we can do is love the child and provide them with the best we can.
9. A RAD Mom needs to be reminded that many children with Reactive Attachment Disorder heal and become healthy adults. We need to remember what the goals are with our children and like other parents we need to hope for the best.
10. Most of all a RAD Mom needs friends. Parenting a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder can be isolating and defeating. RAD mom's often withdraw and feel alone. The number one thing we need is a friend willing to listen and maybe have coffee now and then.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Child's View
"...Our children had their early years surrounded by trauma, neglect, and or abuse. To them the world is a dangerous place. Love is not to be trusted because people who love you hurt you. Love is not safe. Repeated trauma not only made this reality if it the very basis of their view of the world. It is hardwired into their brains just as deeply as is my own view of the world as a safe and loving place..."
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Bean Salad
I thought I better lighten the mood of the BLOG by adding a summer recipe that sounded pretty darn good......... It is RAD Rearing and RECIPES after all! :)
Dark red kidney beans – 2 cans
Yellow whole kernel corn – 1 can
Fresh garlic (crashed) – 1-3 cloves
Fresh dill or fresh parsley (chopped)
Croutons or wheat bread stuffing – 3 cups
Mayo and kefir or buttermilk for a dressing
Drain beans and corn, combine in a large bowl. Add chopped fresh dills and crushed garlic. Mix well.
Add croutons, salt and pepper and mix again. Last, add prepared dressing
(2 parts of Mayo and 1 part of plain kefir or buttermilk; mix well).
Mix well and put in a refrigerator for 1 hour. ENJOY!
Dark red kidney beans – 2 cans
Yellow whole kernel corn – 1 can
Fresh garlic (crashed) – 1-3 cloves
Fresh dill or fresh parsley (chopped)
Croutons or wheat bread stuffing – 3 cups
Mayo and kefir or buttermilk for a dressing
Drain beans and corn, combine in a large bowl. Add chopped fresh dills and crushed garlic. Mix well.
Add croutons, salt and pepper and mix again. Last, add prepared dressing
(2 parts of Mayo and 1 part of plain kefir or buttermilk; mix well).
Mix well and put in a refrigerator for 1 hour. ENJOY!
A Letter to Parents, From Parents
I got this link from another parent of a RADling. Everyword said rang true in our house.
http://youtu.be/9JuIbWu6-Tg
http://youtu.be/9JuIbWu6-Tg
parenting techniques
Recently I felt I had come under scrutiny for the way I as parenting the twins. This does carry over a bit to the healthy kids but its hard to balance RAD and "normal" kids in a family. I was told a few times in a week that I was being overly mean and cruel in my parenting style. And I got the proverbial "oooohhhh, he's SOOOOO SWEEEEEET, how can you say/do that to him?". Yes, the every so present "he's so sweet". Yes, its true. To the person who sees a RADling for a few hours, days, or not on a regular basis the RADling is sweet. Oh, so sweet. But that is a facade. Its the outter image of a confused kid. Its classic RAD. So, I just wanted to post a few comments on parenting style for a RADling. I may appear mean but its what needs to be done.
Every family is different. Every kid is different. Every kid needs something specifically that works for them. So, this is parenting RAD-style. Its not mean, its necessary to have a working family. Just FYI.
The strains a Reactive Attachment Child puts on your family can be enormous.
Effects on the Family of a RAD Child
•Dreams of the perfect loving, caring family are squashed. There is no such thing as perfect family, but a RAD family can become quite dysfunctional.
•A RAD child will play one parent off the other, which could result in a rift between parents.
•Siblings often feel ignored or overlooked as the RAD child takes up so much of the parent’s time. Schedule, daily or weekly, one-on-one quality time for each child in the family.
•Friends, family, church members become critical of parenting and attitude.
•Due to child’s disruptive behaviour, parents often withdraw from social functions.
•Siblings and pets can often be targeted and threatened. It is extremely important for RAD children to have their own room - for their own good as well as the safety of siblings.
•Family events, like Christmas, can be filled with anger and frustration due to RAD behaviour.
•Parents appear to be unfair, strict and sometimes hostile, as parenting skills used with healthy children do not work with RAD children.
Natural Consequences:
•Did not bring homework home – go back and get it or assign your own homework.
•Room not cleaned – stay in your room until it is clean.
•Does not want to eat – no problem, they will not starve, but they will sit at the table while the family eats (NO snack before next meal).
•Misbehaving at dinnertime – remove them from the table. They can go to their room until dinner is over– so the rest of the family can enjoy a peaceful meal. (this is a big one at our house. sometimes i don't even want to eat the same table with them)
•Broken object – they must replace it with their own money or with chores.
•Foul mouth, raised voice, rudeness, and back talk – can be rewarded with chores, exercise (jumping jacks, sit ups, running on the spot) or payment to money jar.
•Hurt someone – they must apologize and lose privileges (having friends over, watching TV, playing video games, using the telephone, etc.). Most likely, they will not mean the apology, but it is a habit-forming process.
Every family is different. Every kid is different. Every kid needs something specifically that works for them. So, this is parenting RAD-style. Its not mean, its necessary to have a working family. Just FYI.
The strains a Reactive Attachment Child puts on your family can be enormous.
Effects on the Family of a RAD Child
•Dreams of the perfect loving, caring family are squashed. There is no such thing as perfect family, but a RAD family can become quite dysfunctional.
•A RAD child will play one parent off the other, which could result in a rift between parents.
•Siblings often feel ignored or overlooked as the RAD child takes up so much of the parent’s time. Schedule, daily or weekly, one-on-one quality time for each child in the family.
•Friends, family, church members become critical of parenting and attitude.
•Due to child’s disruptive behaviour, parents often withdraw from social functions.
•Siblings and pets can often be targeted and threatened. It is extremely important for RAD children to have their own room - for their own good as well as the safety of siblings.
•Family events, like Christmas, can be filled with anger and frustration due to RAD behaviour.
•Parents appear to be unfair, strict and sometimes hostile, as parenting skills used with healthy children do not work with RAD children.
Natural Consequences:
•Did not bring homework home – go back and get it or assign your own homework.
•Room not cleaned – stay in your room until it is clean.
•Does not want to eat – no problem, they will not starve, but they will sit at the table while the family eats (NO snack before next meal).
•Misbehaving at dinnertime – remove them from the table. They can go to their room until dinner is over– so the rest of the family can enjoy a peaceful meal. (this is a big one at our house. sometimes i don't even want to eat the same table with them)
•Broken object – they must replace it with their own money or with chores.
•Foul mouth, raised voice, rudeness, and back talk – can be rewarded with chores, exercise (jumping jacks, sit ups, running on the spot) or payment to money jar.
•Hurt someone – they must apologize and lose privileges (having friends over, watching TV, playing video games, using the telephone, etc.). Most likely, they will not mean the apology, but it is a habit-forming process.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Cranial Sacral Therapy
http://www.craniosacraltherapy.org/Whatis.htm
We do this with a physical therapist during TheraPlay sessions with a psychologist(see previous post on TheraPlay.) The RADlings really seem to be calmer post therapy.
It seems strange and I swear Miss Carol isn't doing anything but holding her hand on their back (well, that's what it appears to be via my lame understanding) but its pretty cool stuff!!!!
We do this with a physical therapist during TheraPlay sessions with a psychologist(see previous post on TheraPlay.) The RADlings really seem to be calmer post therapy.
It seems strange and I swear Miss Carol isn't doing anything but holding her hand on their back (well, that's what it appears to be via my lame understanding) but its pretty cool stuff!!!!
stealing (sigh)
This week we've had issues with both RADlings stealing. This has occurred at home and school. The school had to call me about one incident and I had to contact the school about another. All situations were handled w/ out emotion to the RADlings althougth I was sooooo sad and disappointed on the inside. One RADling seemed truly sorry that he stole. He said he knew stealing was wrong and we talked about it. He had SOME money to spend at the school store but not enough for the item he WANTED. So he took what he wanted. He was caught and talked to at school. At home he was denied TV for the rest of the day and had to do ALOT of chores in the house til I felt as if he was really fully aware of what he did was wrong. And he was talked to by both Dad and myself.
Children with RAD steal from their families: small objects that are then given to friends and even money. They steal from school: velcro, markers, soap. Part of this is because they place no value on things. Every time they moved they left much of what they "owned" behind: clothes, bikes, toys. They also are trying to fill an emptiness in their hearts. They must be watched. If you know they have taken something then they must return it to the person. If it is taken from you and given away they must pay for it. If they have no money they can do chores to earn it.
The other RADling was just mad - not mad he stole. Mad he got caught. And I think that was worse than the remorse showed by the first RADling. He was forced to give the objects stolen back, plus he had to PAY DOUBLE the amount of money he stole from his brothers piggy bank. So, he had to return the amt stolen plus 100% interest. Granted, the math didn't mean much to him. But counting out the money and handing it over did. This RADling is so far in debt on the chore chart he is going to be 18 before he pays it off. He was playing in the car after repeatedly being told "the car is not a toy, please don't play in it" and he dropped his wireless DVD headphones out of the car. When leaving I do a head count for kids before backing out but I do not check for headphones -- CRUNCH. He's currently working of a $30 debt for new headphones on the chore chart...... but one still has to wonder if he's learning anything because when he gets the new headphones he will have forgotten the punishment. Half of me wants to just not replace the headphones so he doesn't get to hear the DVD movies on the way to Grandmas..... but then my heart breaks and I feel like a mean, bitter, vindictive Mom. Sigh.
Just some more RAD facts - incase you feel like reading on....
Symptoms of Reactive Attachment Disorder (as listed by Mayo Clinic)
"Reactive attachment disorder is broken into two types —
inhibited and disinhibited.
While some children have signs and symptoms of just one type, many children have both.
Inhibited type:
In inhibited reactive attachment disorder, children shun relationships and attachments to virtually everyone. This may happen when a baby never has the chance to develop an attachment to any caregiver.
Signs and symptoms of the inhibited type may include:
Resisting affection from parents or caregivers
Avoiding eye contact
Appearing to seek contact but then turning away
Difficulty being comforted
Preferring to play alone
Avoiding physical contact
Failing to initiate contact with others
Appearing to be on guard or wary
Engaging in self-soothing behavior
Disinhibited type:
In disinhibited reactive attachment disorder, children form inappropriate and shallow attachments to virtually everyone, including strangers. This may happen when a baby has multiple caregivers or frequent changes in caregivers.
Signs and symptoms of the disinhibited type may include:
Readily going to strangers, rather than showing stranger anxiety
Seeking comfort from strangers
Exaggerating needs for help doing tasks
Inappropriately childish behavior
Appearing anxious
A word of caution: Not all experts agree on the signs and symptoms of reactive attachment disorder. Some attachment therapists use checklists with numerous nonspecific signs and symptoms that go well beyond what the American Psychiatric Association includes in its definition of the disorder. Be cautious when trying to interpret checklists that include such symptoms as lack of eye contact, rage, aggression, lying, stealing, hoarding food, an apparent lack of a conscience, nonstop chatter, and a desire to wield control. These nonspecific symptoms are difficult to apply to any one diagnosis."
Children with RAD steal from their families: small objects that are then given to friends and even money. They steal from school: velcro, markers, soap. Part of this is because they place no value on things. Every time they moved they left much of what they "owned" behind: clothes, bikes, toys. They also are trying to fill an emptiness in their hearts. They must be watched. If you know they have taken something then they must return it to the person. If it is taken from you and given away they must pay for it. If they have no money they can do chores to earn it.
The other RADling was just mad - not mad he stole. Mad he got caught. And I think that was worse than the remorse showed by the first RADling. He was forced to give the objects stolen back, plus he had to PAY DOUBLE the amount of money he stole from his brothers piggy bank. So, he had to return the amt stolen plus 100% interest. Granted, the math didn't mean much to him. But counting out the money and handing it over did. This RADling is so far in debt on the chore chart he is going to be 18 before he pays it off. He was playing in the car after repeatedly being told "the car is not a toy, please don't play in it" and he dropped his wireless DVD headphones out of the car. When leaving I do a head count for kids before backing out but I do not check for headphones -- CRUNCH. He's currently working of a $30 debt for new headphones on the chore chart...... but one still has to wonder if he's learning anything because when he gets the new headphones he will have forgotten the punishment. Half of me wants to just not replace the headphones so he doesn't get to hear the DVD movies on the way to Grandmas..... but then my heart breaks and I feel like a mean, bitter, vindictive Mom. Sigh.
Just some more RAD facts - incase you feel like reading on....
Symptoms of Reactive Attachment Disorder (as listed by Mayo Clinic)
"Reactive attachment disorder is broken into two types —
inhibited and disinhibited.
While some children have signs and symptoms of just one type, many children have both.
Inhibited type:
In inhibited reactive attachment disorder, children shun relationships and attachments to virtually everyone. This may happen when a baby never has the chance to develop an attachment to any caregiver.
Signs and symptoms of the inhibited type may include:
Resisting affection from parents or caregivers
Avoiding eye contact
Appearing to seek contact but then turning away
Difficulty being comforted
Preferring to play alone
Avoiding physical contact
Failing to initiate contact with others
Appearing to be on guard or wary
Engaging in self-soothing behavior
Disinhibited type:
In disinhibited reactive attachment disorder, children form inappropriate and shallow attachments to virtually everyone, including strangers. This may happen when a baby has multiple caregivers or frequent changes in caregivers.
Signs and symptoms of the disinhibited type may include:
Readily going to strangers, rather than showing stranger anxiety
Seeking comfort from strangers
Exaggerating needs for help doing tasks
Inappropriately childish behavior
Appearing anxious
A word of caution: Not all experts agree on the signs and symptoms of reactive attachment disorder. Some attachment therapists use checklists with numerous nonspecific signs and symptoms that go well beyond what the American Psychiatric Association includes in its definition of the disorder. Be cautious when trying to interpret checklists that include such symptoms as lack of eye contact, rage, aggression, lying, stealing, hoarding food, an apparent lack of a conscience, nonstop chatter, and a desire to wield control. These nonspecific symptoms are difficult to apply to any one diagnosis."
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
RADling well, other sick
Currently I have three healthy kids and one feverish one. In "normal" families this doesn't pose an issue. In a RAD family it may or may not bring on conflict for a few reasons. #1- the sick kid is going to get attention. point blank the kid is SICK. he needs attention. temps taken, fluids given. a few extra hugs and more TV than I'd like to admit. #2 - the kid is sick. but to the RADling this is scary. I guess I should clarify - for my RADlings this is scary. If anyone in our house is sick or injured the RADling automatically things "they are going to die and leave me and abandon me". Its extreme, yes. Unrealistic, yes. But to them the fear is real and its right there on the surface.
The RADling may act out in negative ways to get the attention that is being taken from them. They may "forget" how to count to 10 on their 1st grade homework (yes, that happened last night - the #3 suddenly disappeared) or they may lash out at other siblings. Hurting them or maybe themselves. Once again, when there is crisis a parent of a RADling must be on constant watch- watching out for and RAD behavior and reassuring as much as you can it will be OK.
In our house a sick sibling is scary. A sick parent more scary. A sick MOM--- oh NO -- don't even consider it. I have been sick or injured in the past. And I hide it as best I can. Function as normal. Nothing to see here, move along! :) For a RADling the mother is a central focus - possibly because it was the mother who "abandoned" them in the 1st place. But every RAD book states the RADling is mother focused. So, if by chance you are the mother of a RADling and you get sick or injured put on a brave face cause you have to. Granted, if its severe you have to let on -- reassurance is the key. I am OK. I will be OK. You will be OK. And I'm not going ANYWHERE! Hopefully that will put their mind at ease.
But any sick or injured kid or change in routine (obviously the feverish kid isn't going to school) can set off RAD behavior. Its not fun, its heartbreaking but just know -- its NORMAL for a RADling. Reassure them. Extra time doing normal chores/tasks and patience patience patience. Not only with the RADling but with the sick one-- happy Tuesday!!
The RADling may act out in negative ways to get the attention that is being taken from them. They may "forget" how to count to 10 on their 1st grade homework (yes, that happened last night - the #3 suddenly disappeared) or they may lash out at other siblings. Hurting them or maybe themselves. Once again, when there is crisis a parent of a RADling must be on constant watch- watching out for and RAD behavior and reassuring as much as you can it will be OK.
In our house a sick sibling is scary. A sick parent more scary. A sick MOM--- oh NO -- don't even consider it. I have been sick or injured in the past. And I hide it as best I can. Function as normal. Nothing to see here, move along! :) For a RADling the mother is a central focus - possibly because it was the mother who "abandoned" them in the 1st place. But every RAD book states the RADling is mother focused. So, if by chance you are the mother of a RADling and you get sick or injured put on a brave face cause you have to. Granted, if its severe you have to let on -- reassurance is the key. I am OK. I will be OK. You will be OK. And I'm not going ANYWHERE! Hopefully that will put their mind at ease.
But any sick or injured kid or change in routine (obviously the feverish kid isn't going to school) can set off RAD behavior. Its not fun, its heartbreaking but just know -- its NORMAL for a RADling. Reassure them. Extra time doing normal chores/tasks and patience patience patience. Not only with the RADling but with the sick one-- happy Tuesday!!
sweet potato pie
I never made Sweet Potato Pie before -- and I know is more of a fall thing. But I had so many sweet potatoes (on sale for Easter) that I needed to do SOMETHING w/ them. I am not much of a pie baker/eater. But this was honestly the BEST pie I've ever made!!
Enjoy!!
SWEET POTATO PIE WITH STREUSEL TOPPING
--------------------------------------
1 (23 oz.) can drained sweet potatoes, mashed
(i used 23 oz of fresh that I boiled to mush)
1 (14 oz.) can sweetened condensed milk
1 egg
1 tsp. nutmeg
1/2 tsp. cinnamon
1/4 tsp. ginger
1/8 tsp. cloves
1 (9 inch) unbaked pie shell
STREUSEL TOPPING:
1/2 c. brown sugar
2 tbsp. chopped pecans
2 tbsp. butter, firm
2 tbsp. flour
1/2 tsp. cinnamon
Mix sweet potatoes, milk, egg and spices until smooth. Pour
into a pie shell (I also shoved a few mini marshmallows in at this point for fun).
Mix brown sugar, flour, pecans, cinnamon
and butter together. Blend with fork until crumbly. Sprinkle
on top of pie. Bake at 375 degrees for 50 to 65 minutes.
Enjoy!!
SWEET POTATO PIE WITH STREUSEL TOPPING
--------------------------------------
1 (23 oz.) can drained sweet potatoes, mashed
(i used 23 oz of fresh that I boiled to mush)
1 (14 oz.) can sweetened condensed milk
1 egg
1 tsp. nutmeg
1/2 tsp. cinnamon
1/4 tsp. ginger
1/8 tsp. cloves
1 (9 inch) unbaked pie shell
STREUSEL TOPPING:
1/2 c. brown sugar
2 tbsp. chopped pecans
2 tbsp. butter, firm
2 tbsp. flour
1/2 tsp. cinnamon
Mix sweet potatoes, milk, egg and spices until smooth. Pour
into a pie shell (I also shoved a few mini marshmallows in at this point for fun).
Mix brown sugar, flour, pecans, cinnamon
and butter together. Blend with fork until crumbly. Sprinkle
on top of pie. Bake at 375 degrees for 50 to 65 minutes.
Monday, May 2, 2011
This was my first incident w/ the "we wanted to help but we think we messed up" -- wrong soap in the dishwasher. It was one of the RADlings feeling exceptionally close to me at the time and wanted to clean the dishes while I was off doing another chore. It was sweet and kind and rather amusing. I had visions of The Brady Bunch in my head the whole time. Best part - i was upstairs listening to this: that's not right. it won't get worse. look its coming out all over. that's it. i'm getting her.... Mooooooommmm! FYI: if this happens to you. Run the cycle of the dishwasher w/ 2 tbls of canola oil in the soap dispenser. It will kill the suds then you can run the dishwasher w/ normal Cascade (or product of your choice).
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